Thursday, May 29, 2014

i dreamed a dream when ann hathaway didn't cut her hair

About two and a half months ago, I called up some friends to join me at the Color Festival in Spanish Fork, UT--which is basically a Hindu celebration of Spring, and all of Utah County comes and throws chalk at each other. However, the weather wasn't promising, so a couple friends and I decided against going. Instead we just ended up driving around, and I mentioned I wanted to do something different with my hair. One of my friends asked if he could shave one side. After much serious deliberation (no real thought at all,) I was like, "okay! La ti daaaaaa."

So we went grabbed his clippers and this happened....

Then this

Kenny said it was hot. Which is all that matters

unfortunately my parents only saw this
So I was fully embracing this punk, edgy, new hairstyle. I was really in love with it. I constantly had people compliment my hair--I even had a customer at work ask if she could take a picture of it so she could show it to her hairstylist and get her hair to look the same. Which would have been totally rad, but she was in her fifties, so kind of it was mostly weird.

Maybe a month or so ago, a group of guys came into work. I knew a couple of them from a couple years ago, and I talked to them a little while they were there. They said they were celebrating their friend's birthday, and invited me to go to Salt Lake with them later. My plans fell through for the night, and I figured, whatever. I knew some of them, my girl friend was going up to Salt Lake around the same time, so I went. The guys that were driving were not guys I knew intimately. In fact, I only knew the driver because one of my old roommates hung out with him a bit. So I am now in a car with three boys I don't really know, and I am starting to feel a little anxious. Yes, I already know that was a poor life choice on my part, so let's not talk about that again. But in my defense, I was under the impression the guys I knew would be meeting up with us. Turns out, they weren't. But we did meet up with another guy, who was really just....*charming.

*He was not charming at all.

So we are planning on going to a club called Keys on Main, which is actually a cool place where they can literally play any song on the piano. Even if it's not a piano song. I told my girl friend to meet us there. However, one of the guys has an expired license, so the bouncers won't let us in. It was then the guys decided to go to Bar X. Which was not such a cool place. My only options at this point were to ditch these guys, and be by myself in downtown Salt Lake City at midnight, or go with them. Unfortunately it was also at that time that my friend told me she wasn't coming up to Salt Lake after all. Thinking it was probably my best option to not be alone, I went with the guys.

Turns out, being a devout Mormon girl, that weighs all of 118 pounds, at a bar with belligerent drunk men is not that fun. Weird. I know. I told them I was a lesbian and I slipped away to the bathroom where I called a friend from the area and asked him to come pick me up. Thankfully he had just got done with work so he could come right over. And yes, it was super embarrassing and I felt like an idiot.

On the way home, we talked about work and country music. Even though I felt really stupid that we were in this position in the first place, I felt really at peace with him. Granted, I did have one of the drunk guys enlighten me that he was "definitely going to see [my] titties before the end of the night." But this friend driving me home, was just genuinely a good guy, also a member of the LDS church. While we were talking, he had mentioned this picture that he had picked of me to show up on his phone. I asked if I could see and he pulled up this picture..

I got home and played this night over and over again in my head. Those guys had mentioned more than once that they thought I looked like a girl they wanted to hang out because of my hair. Then I think of my friend that saved me from a potentially horrible outcome, who is kind and considerate, and that he hand picked that picture of me because that was the picture he liked best or thought represented me or whatever. My point is, I realized that even though I am not a rebellious girl, that despite my beliefs and how much I love my church, because my hair was shaved, these guys judged me to be a girl that likes to party. Sure, they shouldn't be judging, and I am not saying anything against people who have this haircut at all. Because I really love it. I am just saying that the above pictures are two very different images, and attracted two very different types of people.

Granted, a good majority of my friends, namely my guy friends, expressed that they liked the shaved head thing and that they thought it was really hot and cool, but those are people that already know me and what I stand for. They are people who already know that I don't drink or party, or show guys my boobs. However, as is evident by my current relationship status (single) I am still looking to meet someone to date and marry. So, while I'm not actually rebellious, if strangers think I am by what my image portrays, that makes it a lot harder to find the kind of guy I want to marry. Getting married in the temple is so important to me, that I would rather end up alone, than to marry a man who couldn't take me there.

So I have thought long and hard about the kind of girl I want to be, the kind of girl I want to come across as to attract the kind of guy I want. While I don't think people should judge one another except by their heart, from this experience, for me personally, I have decided that as much as I love my shaved hair, it is so much more important to me that I am not only appearing the way I believe, but also that I am a good example. I have little sisters, and I have been a counselor at a church camp. Rather than looking at me and seeing someone "cool," I want those girls to look at me and see someone who loves the church. Someone who is an example of Christ, who loves and serves people. I mean, the fact of the matter is, people are going to judge the way you look. No matter what. It's human nature. I was always that girl in high school that never wore tank tops or short shorts, and everybody told me I looked like a goody two-shoe Molly Mormon. In Utah, if I had a nickle for every person that told me I should wear my eye make up because I looked like a "bad girl," since I also have dark hair, I'd be a rich girl. Of course, I don't think we should society dictate what we should wear or look like. But as members of the LDS church, we are asked to keep a certain standard. That being said, I am growing out my hair. Unlike my make up, I do feel like my hair makes a certain statement, because I have received different attention since having it. Those boys aren't the only experience, just probably the most impactful. And that is not the attention I want. For those of you reading this, I mean this entirely as self discovery, and in no way am I judging anyone else or saying how you should live. This is all me and what I feel about myself.

PS. I apologize to my friend that told me he never wanted to be in my blog. Because now you are...