Rebranding

Hello lovelies,

It's nice of you to visit my blog today.

I have great news.

I'm rebranding this blog! It's going to be focused solely on dating.

And I'm opening it up to all of you to contribute to.

I'll be going through and publishing YOUR stories that you send in, additionally to my own.

Stories, advice, inspiration, laughs-->you'll find them all. Or you won't. Some people have no sense of humor.

You can check the first post here:

https://theprovochronicles.wordpress.com/

I'm calling it the Provo Chronicles, because we all know the valley is one of the best places to find the worst stories.

See you there!!

And keep checking in. Send me your stories.

I promise, it's going to be awesome.

"I am not a robot"

Hello my lovely readers,

It's been a while.

But I've taken some time to learn and think and grow.

And I wanted to share those things with y'all.

First, I learned that my cold, dead heart isn't actually cold, nor dead. It is just selective.

Which is a HUGE relief. Because for a long time, I've been convinced that I'm an unfeeling and emotionally inept robot.

As in, Christina Yang is the character I identify with most from Grey's Anatomy:

Except I'm not a woman of questionable morals.

Or Asian.

But once in a while, someone comes along that ignites that spark. That shows you that you do care whether or not he choses to love you.

And it's ok to be selective..

Because settling with someone who is mostly what you want is no where close to fighting for the one who is everything.

See? He wasn't the right one. And that's not me being racist

Also, I learned that I differentiate what I want and deserve, as opposed to what options often show up, by uncomfortable laughter and (if I'm really on one) by lecturing.

In fact, just recently, I was stuck in a car with a boy for a solid 20 minutes after he tried to pull some shady crap.

And I thought to myself, "self, here we have a decent amount of time with a misguided boy. Do we try to guide him? Yes, yes we do. My precious."

I spent the entirety of that time lecturing him about treating girls with respect and having some decency.

Did he hate that?

I'd like to think he in fact, loved it.

Could be wrong, though.

And finally, I learned that love is a formula.

Now keep in mind, it's been almost 8 years since I've taken an actual math class. But here's what I'm thinking is the proper equation:

50 (what you are looking for) + 45 (compatibility) + 45 (attraction) + 50 (communication) + 100 (choice) = a perfect 295

Erin taught me how to math

You love who you choose to love.

Not everyone is the right choice for you. And I encourage everyone to be as picky as they see fit. But when you find the person that is everything you want them to be, not perfect, but still everything to you, choose them.

Day after day.

Hour after hour.

Choose to love them despite their flaws, despite when they are forgetful or busy or just plain human.

But don't choose to love the person that doesn't light your soul and set your heart on fire.

Because that person is out there.

Unless they died in a freak accident years ago and you'll never meet them in this life.

IDK I'm not a psychic.

If you have thoughts, questions, or otherwise would like to engage, feel free to comment below or shoot me an email.

If on the other hand, you just liked what you read, please liberally share this post with your friends. And if you hated, share with your enemies! Either way seems like a win for everyone involved.

How To Build Your Forever Love

Guest Post!

Since I just wrote a guest post, where I contributed some single perspective to a mommy blog, I thought it would be valuable to get some married perspective on this game we call "dating." Or I guess just relationships in general. It's a little long, but well worth the read! If you are interested in more posts or insights, you can find that website here: http://streetsmartmom.com/

The “I”s Have It

- Usually we think it’s best if we put our partner’s first and make sure their needs are being met. We want our partner to know how much they mean to us and that we have their best interests at heart. And we usually expect, through our cultural expectations of relationships, that our partner’s will put us first. This mutual exchange means we are both looked after while trying to be selfless and take care of our partner. But in communication it is far and away much better to focus on “I”…at least when it comes to working our way through confrontation and anger. Let me explain. I’m sure many of you have heard how it’s better to say “I feel…” rather than “You are…” and we know why. Saying “I” focuses on us and refrains from pushing blame on our partner. Rather than accusing our partner of something we perceive that they are, or that they are doing to us, we are shifting the responsibility on ourselves for our feelings. It also evokes empathy. We naturally don’t want our partner’s to feel sad. Learning about how our partner’s feel, without feeling like we are being blamed, opens our hearts to listening with a desire to fix what’s hurting our partner. Even when you’re thinking about something your partner did that angered you. Let’s say he/she didn’t text you all day despite the many texts you sent them. Instead of getting worked up about all of our expectations and perceptions we take a step back. This is what I do (steps from nonviolentcommuncation.com):

So...you're still single

Recently my sister announced her engagement.

My little sister.

And I am so happy for her.

But, now that my younger siblings are getting married, and I'm not, come the looks, the questions, the judgements.

"So...you're still single?"

Me

I started this post a little bit ago. And the rough draft looked like this:

"After several months of a dating hiatus, I decided to finally try again.Trying multiple different revenues and platforms for meeting men, I have been on some dates and I have to say that I feel inspired by my recent experiences.So inspired that I did something tonight I haven't done in years.

I wrote a poem.

Now I know poems are sappy and stupid, but I really put my soul into this one.

Ready?

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Boys are garbage

The end. "

**image edited to maintain PG status. Brought to you by VidAngel.

Just kidding.

I did that.

Faintly reminiscent of 500 Days of Summer, I decided I should probably do some reevaluating.

I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at. I'm thinking, what is wrong with me that my sister can graduate high school and find her husband in less than a year, and here I am 5 years later, no less single, but much more sass.

So I'm still single.

I've been single the majority of my life, but that doesn't necessarily bother me.

At least it hadn't. Until recently.

You see, being single is my comfort zone.

And of course I've stepped out of that comfort zone a time or two, but I tend to just keep coming back to it.

Just like my bed.

It's warm and comfortable, and I leave it when I must. But there it is, right where I left it, every time I come back. Just waiting for me to slip back inside the covers and bundle up. 

Bed is always welcoming, and I'm content laying there.

I tend to think, "better to kick it in my comfort zone than to be Elle Woods: post breakup"

Yeah. We've all been there. Don't even pretend.

Anyone who has ever dated has, at one point or another, thought that the whole idea is archaic and insane. And we've all sworn that we would be single forever and it would be fine.

Being single is good.

Because we need to be single. We need to be happy being single. After all, if you're not happy alone, how will you make someone else happy when you are with them?

When you are single, you get to experience life in a different way. You can hop on a plane at a moment's notice and spend a month in Rome.

You can recycle the same outfit 3 days in a row because you work and go to class on alternating days--not to mention that said outfit is your pajamas. So really, you just haven't changed since Monday. Adulting, amIright?

There's no obligation not to go dance the night away with your squad.

Additionally no one judges you if you choose to stay in on a Friday night and eat your weight in tacos while watching the entire season of Stranger Things on Netlfix. Because no one knows because no one asked you out for that night. It's fine. This is fine.

No one knows if you don't shave your legs for the span of the winter, because ain't nobody touching them. Suddenly, the argument men use to grow out their beards to keep their faces warm when it's cold makes all kinds of sense.

Or maybe you enjoy shaving. Idk I don't know who you even are.

And you are just you.

You're single.

You do what makes you happy, and you're selfish. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because you are taking care of you.

You are trying new hobbies to discover where your passion lies. You get to find what drives you and commit your whole heart to doing that.

Choose who you want to be.

Work on eliminating the qualities that you don't like about yourself, and do your best to illuminate the qualities that you love.

You don't have anyone telling you or expecting you to be anything. You simply just are--living for you, helping other people, being a good friend, discovering your potential.

The more you know yourself, the greater capacity you'll have to know someone else.

The better you love yourself, the easier you'll know how to love a partner.

Serve more. Help another person in need. Connect on levels, with people, you may not have been able to meet or know if you were in a relationship.

Be happy alone.

But don't resign yourself to being that way indefinitely.

Because one day, you'll turn the corner, and you'll see someone. And they will change your life forever.

Suddenly, the nights spent worrying, the tears shed, and the vengeance you've sworn won't matter anymore.

(I mean, I'm assuming, since it hasn't happened to me yet.)

Why are we constantly defining ourselves by our relationship status?

I am reasonably confident that your current state is just temporary, if that's what you want. 

You'll find someone.

In the meantime, do everything you can to be someone worth finding.

Be the person you want to find.

So you're still single.

So are Brangelina.

Take the time to be the best freaking single human that you can be.

Besides, some of us need all the practice we can get to convince other people that we are actually sane and why they should tolerate us...before we show that inside, we are actually Harley Quinn.

Also me

what's the chinese word for "hell"?

"This is a story of boy meets girl....
But it is not a love story"


I was in Vegas with some friends one weekend pretty recently, when a guy made a comment that I could never be in an abusive relationship because of my aforementioned attributes. However, I was caught off guard by a realization I had in that moment: I was in an abusive relationship.

For nearly 9 months, I was manipulated and emotionally torn apart by someone that I was convinced cared about me.

Then I finally stepped out of the situation far enough to see him and realize "you didn't love her. You just don't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. But you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love."  

Grey's anatomy has never been more relatable, amiright?

And it honestly never even dawned on me until that exact moment, several months later.

That's how messed up I was.

I spent months on an emotional roller coaster, fighting with this boy that never let me win.

Who wouldn't apologize.

A boy that would say the most cutting, hurtful things I could have been told--and then would explain why he was right (and justified) about what he said, as his only attempt for resolve.

I felt picked apart over and over, and when I tried to address the way it hurt my feelings, he would deny having ever said those things. Because I didn't have "proof."

Like dude, sorry I don't have a camera on me at all times to record our lives all the time.

Get real.

And that was the epitome of our relationship.

It seems like you can see those couples as a bystander, see their fighting and obvious dissonance and think that would never be me. I would never let someone treat me like that.

But then you are in that situation. You spend all this time thinking you have found someone that deserves this special place in your heart. You are persuaded that they are "helping" you when they point out your flaws.

You try to give, but he tells you that you don't give enough. So you give more and more, all the while not realizing that you aren't giving your heart to someone who loves you, that wants the best for you.

Too late you find out that you have given the most vulnerable parts of you to be criticized and eventually exploited.

Even after we broke up, he spent 6 weeks purposefully making my life a living hell in China, where he said the absolute most horrible things I had ever been told.

Then, THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I ran into him at a movie a few weeks after returning from China. That night he proceeded to email me to tell me that we should try to be friends.

I told him that was impossible at this point, because he left me no reason to ever trust him. Or even want to have anything to do with him. That he never even showed remorse or attempted to apologize for his poor behavior in China.

It was at that point that he explained to me that it was his right to act the way he did, because his own selfish motivations were more important than 1. my feelings, 2. his professional responsibilities, and 3. the promises that he had made to me before we even left for China, to treat me with decency and respect. Because did I mention that he was in charge of the program that I went to China with? That is was literally HIS JOB to be respectable.

He actually told me that he was justified in his mistreatment of me because, since he treated me so poorly, and some other girl in the group so well, that he now gets to get married. So it was all worth it to him.

Smell that? Yeah it's the fat pile of **** that his email was.

No apology.

Honestly, I was floored that he could, in good conscience, excuse his behavior because it further nursed his pride.

Well I'll tell you right here and now, I am not one single little bit jealous of that girl that has to marry him. Good luck marrying your rebound, bro.

And I know you're probably wondering why I would go to China with my ex in the first place.

Not my best idea, I know. But I wanted to go. So I did. Plus, he HAD previously promised to make it a positive experience for me. He told me that if I still went, (post breakup) that he would do everything in his power to be civil and to help me love going.

So yeah, I foolishly bought into that and went. I'm pretty confident that we was just worried that it would look bad on his company if he lost one of his teachers, so just talked out of his butt so I wouldn't back out.

While we were there, he lashed out at me on multiple occasions. Telling me things like that I was pathetic. Never mind that I only went because he practically BEGGED me to come. Never mind that I had given more of myself to this boy, and gone to more extents to be with him and love him than ever I had before in my life.

He completely tore me to pieces, emotionally, verbally.

I lost all confidence in myself.

This was so much more than a heartbreak. What I felt was complete worthlessness.

I was depressed.

I couldn't see that I was worth anything, because he convinced me that I was incapable of being in a relationship with anyone. That I didn't know how to compromise and be with someone.

How do you come back when the person you have tried hardest to love, tells you that you've failed?

Well, my dad gave me some perspective.

He asked me one night why I was letting someone that didn't love me, define me.

"Let those that truly love you help you see you as you really are."

So why write about such personal things? Because no one is immune to this kind of relationship.

Everyone is suseptible to this kind of manipulation. It's an incredible mind game that many have mastered. It's quite disheartening to see how much I let one person define me--rather than listening to so many others who sincerely did love and care about me, who saw the best in me.

I let a boy change what I saw as my divine worth. I lost sight of my favorite qualities about myself.

And I absolutely don't claim to have been perfect in our relationship. I certainly have flaws and am human. I reacted to his words and his actions in ways I shouldn't have, at times. I was wrong so many times. But as I was listening to this talk by Jeffrey R Holland, one passage struck me hard:

"In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."

I broke up with him after reading that a couple times over and replaying the extend of our relationship, including our long friendship. 

It felt wrong for a long time, and I couldn't figure out why. Until one day it occurred to me that I didn't feel safe with him. At all. I always felt defensive. 

Every time I let my guard down to let him in, he would be tear into me.

Even after I broke up with him, he told me that I did so because I didn't care enough about him to fight for our relationship. That I didn't really care about him. And I sincerely believed that. Which destroyed me. I had so much love for this boy that I felt so bad being with.

150,000% that was not the reality. I dumped him because a part of me had realized that he wasn't treating me the way I should have been treated. 

Like no matter what I did, I was always wrong. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough for him. He told me that over and over again. 

And sometimes, I just wanted to not be wrong. Sometimes, I just wanted to be appreciated for the effort I was giving. 

I also wanted to be properly courted. 

I never received any of those things.

These aren't selfish wants.

And that's a large contributing factor to this post.

Because I am done feeling guilty for getting out of a relationship that belittled me and made me feel less than I am. I will never again let the pride of someone I care about be more important than my own happiness.

Love is never prideful. It is selfless. It builds you. It strengthens and looks for the best in you. Never does it focus on the flaws of another. Its about seeing potential, in lieu of focusing on weaknesses.

This is a new year and I am so ready for what it holds. Everything that happened is in the past now, and I have been beyond blessed to have found myself again. To have regained the confidence lost. To be me again. And I owe that to my loved ones, my family, and my faith. I thank everyone that stood by me and loved me through this, because I am someone that is worth loving. I am someone that loves to love.

Never be with someone who makes you question that.

To 2016! Cheers!