Tuesday, February 18, 2014

so, you got this right?


Once upon a time, all my girlfriends started telling me stories about being asked out on dates, and having to pay for themselves. Literally, a boy asked if they would like to go out with them, and didn't so much as offer to pay. Not only did they not pay, but they didn't mention that the girl would be taking herself out until someone came around with the bill.

Oh. My. If you are reading this and you have found yourself guilty of this crime, consider yourself virtually getting your butt kicked. You're the actual worst.

Listen, I understand that dating in college is hard. I also understand that it can get expensive for you fellas. However, if you are going to ask a girl on a date, you better check your account to make sure you can cover her, plan a cheap/free super fun date, or check your plumbing. Because guess what, men pay for their women. Don't get me wrong, you definitely don't need to be throwing around 100 dollar bills. You don't even need to spend any money at all. I have been on some really awesome adventure dates that only cost the price of gas. But if you offer to take her to anywhere that you will be spending money on yourself, plan to spend on her too, cheapo. That's just how it is supposed to be, and if that sounds like a bad idea to you, you might as well become a eunuch and join a men's choir, because ladies will run from you like the plague.

*Note-I am not directing this towards couples or anyone in a relationship. That is an entirely different ball game. I am talking specifically and entirely about dates before that DTR.

I am vehemently aware that society is far more feministic now than ever. Women want to be the same as men and wear pants to church, blah blah blah. I don't even care. If you take out a woman and she insists on paying for herself, cool, you just saved yourself twenty bucks. But absolutely, under no circumstances should you invite a lady out for lunch, dinner, a game, whatever tickles your fancy, and let her pay for herself. If you don't have the money to cover her, don't invite her to do things that cost money. I have known guys to go give plasma because they are so super poor but want to take a girl on a date. That is adorable.

People today are so concerned about "not expecting" on dates, that no one knows how to date anymore. You know what though, there should be expectations. If you are a man, you are expected to pay for the date you have proposed to take that girl on. That's the most obvious obvious that ever obvioused. Of course, there are other expectations to interject at this current juncture, but I've already written that post.

One of my best friends told me about how a guy offered to take her out for hot chocolate, ordered his drink, and sat down. Needless to say, she felt entirely awkward, and likely won't go out with him again. And sure, many of you read that and might think its ridiculous, but its the principal of the thing! Srsly, he couldn't have forked out an extra 2 dollars in the name of chivalry? Child.

I have guy friends that, when we are just hanging out, not only insist on paying for me, but also open my doors. Maybe I'm spoiled, but guess what--I should be. All girls should think so highly of their friends as I do. I know some really incredible gentlemen. And men should equally be treated well. Guys, even the ones you are just friends with should never question whether you think they are the bees knees. In fact, I firmly advocate that if you take a girl out and treat her nice and she doesn't so much as thank you, you run---run away and never return! But pay for her meal first, ok?

What ees "date"? Juss keesses
Juan Pablo knows. ABC has this enormous allotted money budget for each date, and Juan Pablo just takes all the girls all over the world to sit on rocks and make out. BUT AT LEAST HE DIDN'T LEAVE THEM WITH A BILL

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

just do it


For those of you unfamiliar with what a DTR is, (in other words, anyone not from Utah) it is Determining the Relationship. Many view this "talk" as the kiss of death. So many are petrified of bringing it up, and secretly pray the other will say something so you don't have to--or you pray it won't come up at all. To you, fearing this topic, avoiding it like The Plague, I offer this single piece of advice:

Grow up.

If you are afraid of asking the person you are spending all your time with and investing all your feelings in for commitment, you need to put on your big boy pants and get over it. I am the first to admit that being in a relationship is scary. But so is opening you heart to another person, and most of the time, non-couples have already done that--so why are people so afraid of telling the person they are unofficially official with that they are the only person you want to be with?

Because you have commitment issues?  Let's just chat about that. I was being pursued by a guy that I wasn't particularly interested in. We went out a couple times, and he was nice to me and fun, but something was missing for me. So I told him we should just be friends. I was talking to my sister about it a while later, and I told her maybe I really did like him, but I just have problems committing. She looks at me, and in that blunt, sisterly way she just tells me, "no, you don't have that problem. It's not even a real thing." I'm like, ok yeah, tell me my feelings. But she continues to express ideals that people don't have commitment issues, they have problems trying to be with someone they don't really want to be with. I considered that for a while. At this point, admittedly, I feel to express that I agree with that sentiment. While my list of boyfriends is relatively...short, there have been a number of guys I have been "dating," that although we didn't officially have the DTR, I considered to be my boyfriend. Which, the difference between dating and a relationship is another topic for another day. But I digress. Maybe I was being a crazy lady to consider some of them my boyfriend, but in hindsight, at that point in time, anyone I had that consideration for had been the only fella I was going out with, kissing, spending time with, and opening my heart to. He was the only guy at the time that I was honestly pursuing to see if he could be my best friend. Which is kind of (definitely) what relationships are all about at this point in our lives. Right? Right. Agree with me or go back to high school. If you are reading this and you are currently in high school--high school sucks. And I mean, it's not like I went around with his name on my notebook and a tissue he had used to practice voodoo on (name that movie) and told people we were getting married. I didn't even tell anyone he was my boyfriend. In fact, the only reason I mention that I considered any of them my (un)boyfriend is because I liked him a lot and I wasn't interested in going out with other boys because I saw potential and I was intrigued to see where it could go.

STORY TIME! Because we all know I have fun stories. Boy meets girl (me). They flirt, she's all giggly  and he's all charming, and he asks for her number. However, he then proceeds to ask her to hang out. Frequently, yes, but the text reads: Hey, can we hang out at this designated specific time? She responds in the positive because homeboy is fun and cute and she likes spending time with him. And they hang out. A few times. It's fun, light, easy. But neither says anything about "dating," so she thinks they are just friends...until a situation presents itself in which the guy feels it necessary to engage in an arduous argument about how she is not being fair because of "what they had." She is feeling super confused though because he just asked her to hang out, and since they never had any sort of discussion otherwise, she thought they were just friends. Maybe she was being naive or ignorant, but rule one of dating someone--YOU MUST CALL IT A DATE. Admitance--the first step, my friends. So pardon me, but because I did foolishly consider some guys to be my unofficial boyfriend and was sorely disappointed when one of them arrived at a function we were to both attend, with a date, I have stopped assuming other people's feelings. But what could I say? We never discussed being exclusive.

So yeah, being vulnerable and asking the person buying you meals and smooching your face if s/he is your boo is completely terrifying. And exhilarating. But you know what's the actual worst? Not knowing. Wondering how someone feels about you is like a perpetual hell. If you ask and are accepted, WAHOO! Kudos to you, kid. Perhaps on the other end, you ask babe if she will be your special lady friend and she says no. At least you know and you can move on and invest in someone who really thinks you're the bees knees.

Consider rejection as redirection. I am now virtually slapping you in the butt and telling you to get out there and have that DTR dang it!

In other news, I found a new tactic, and I will be trying it out on Friday. YOUCANBEMYVALENTINETOO!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

you can't sit with us!


I realize a great majority of this blog is directed at or about the fellas. Guys are great. I am a huge fan. But today, I want to talk to the ladies. Namely, the ones that only hang out with boys because you so totally hate drama. If you have ever said the aforementioned line, you are mostly likely the cause of drama in your circle of friends. Nine times out of ten, that is the truth. There is something wrong with a girl that can't get along with other girls.

For all of you who just scoffed and rolled your eyes, lemme finish. I vehemently believe there is something wrong with a girl that either can't or won't get along with other women. I know because I have been there. Reluctantly I confess that there was a time, I was that girl. I only would hang out with guys and maybe one other girl. Maybe.

So what's the issue? Why do we as women tend to hate each other and cause drama? Insecurity. Most girls only view each other as competition, and if you are insecure about yourself, you don't want to interact with a lot of other girls that you may feel are more beautiful, intelligent, funny, successful, what have you. With your group of guy friends, you are always the center of attention, and you feel wanted. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to be wanted. That's an innate human trait. The problem is that you feel inferior to other women (and often men.) Said feeling of inferiority elicits the tearing down and bad mouthing of other females--most often the ones you are closest to or spend the most time with, because you are jealous and see them as your competition. A girl that is confident in herself does not need to make anyone else look bad, because she knows that she has a lot to offer, and she can see the qualities and potential in others.

When I was a kid, I was arguably one of the ugliest persons that has ever gone through puberty. Boys that I liked in middle school used to inform me on a constant basis how much hotter my sister and friends were than me. One boy that I had the biggest crush on, told me once if I got older and looked like my sister, he would totally date me. Lucky me. So it was about that time that I stopped hanging out with other girls, because I felt that if I could finally find a boy that would talk to me, I had to hang on to him and not let him be around other girls. If he had nothing to compare me to, then I looked like a viable option and he would keep spending time with me, and I would finally get some attention. As I grew up and filled out a bit, looked less awkward, acted a little less socially inept, I would just claim that I only hung out with boys because they weren't any drama. In reality, I just feared that if another girl came around the guy I liked would ditch me, since that had been the case for a long time. Although I may have looked cuter, I was still afraid that another girl would come around that was prettier than me, and the boy I liked would ditch me for her.

It's a common tactic for girls to trash each other in front of guys, because it's thought that if she can convince him that she sucks, he won't go after her. Turns out, most guys will go for another girl anyways if he thinks she's attractive, regardless of what you tell him.

I know it's hard not to compare yourself to other women. But if you can't find some solace in who you are as a person, and the way you look, unfortunately, it appears that you have little to offer besides caddishness and insecurity. Read that wording closely. I did not say that you don't have awesome qualities, I said that it's hard for him to see how funny you are if you are always putting down someone else, for example.

As a woman, as a person, you have talents, capabilities, and beauty that is all your own. You bring something unique to the world. If you can't see that, you probably need to stop hanging out with all those guys and find out what you have to offer. If you don't know what you can bring to a relationship, to a man, how do you expect to give it to him?

For the most part, guys I know are attracted to confident females. You are not a victim here. Absolutely, 100% you can fix insecurities. If you feel like you are fat, work out. Maybe you know you are a generally negative person, so you start trying to look at the positive side of things. Back up for a second--I am most certainly not telling you how your personality should be, or what you should look like. I don't believe in "the right size." I believe in feeling good. If you feel beautiful as a size 0, 5, 7, or 11, that is awesome. You are perfect. I am only saying, if you would feel better dropping or gaining a few pounds, then you should change your lifestyle to become what makes you feel beautiful. I was skin and bones as a kid, and I used to pray that I could put on 10 more pounds, because I thought I wouldn't be beautiful if I was the little twig girl. People used to tell me I was too skinny regularly. Well, now I eat entire pizzas, a batch of cookies, and a bag of Doritos and my weight doesn't fluctuate. I do however feel sick, so I try to eat better and work out, because running is like drugs. But I am totally confident in my imperfect, underweight body. I feel beautiful, and that's all I need.

Now that we have covered the problem of why girls don't like each other, let's talk about why we should. I don't care how even tempered and not dramatic you claim to be. Girls have feelings. Women in general, as a gender, have more feelings than boys do. That's why mom's usually stay home and nurture and dad's go to work. I am the first to say that I can't deal with too many emotions. It's hard. I laugh when people cry, because I have inappropriate reactions to things. I had two roommates a few years ago that got in a screaming fight with each other for an entire week. I spent that week hiding at my friend's house. That being said, while I can definitely work on being more sensitive, all girls need to talk and cry about their lives at some point. Myself included. It's a running joke in my family that I don't have feelings, but if my sisters and mom had a nickel for every time I called them crying about whatever, they would be wealthy people. So I guess my point here, is that we all need a friend. We all need a confidant to talk to and console with, so in turn, be that friend. Be a girl that other girls feel comfortable crying to, because there will come a time when you need a shoulder. Also, girls usually are way more fun to take shopping.

In any case, I would like to make one last point. The fact of the matter, is that the majority of guy friends you have now, you likely won't even talk to in 5 years. Either one or both of you will get married, you'll get careers, move away, whatever the case may be, chances are good that you won't talk to the guy you hung out with every night when you have a husband to have a lot more fun. Just saying. But you are a lot more likely to keep in contact with your best girl friends so you can have lunch dates or whatever girlfriends do when they are boring married people. Plus, it would be entirely inappropriate to spend your bachelorette party with a bunch of dudes buying you lingerie. I'm going to go ahead and guess that your soon to be husband would not approve.

So I am not saying that you shouldn't have guy friends. I have close guy friends that I love spending time with. I'm just saying, girls are not all bad. In fact, most of them are pretty amazing if you just give them a chance. I can't tell you how much better you will feel when you go out with a group of girlfriends, and build them up, be a good wing man, just make them feel like they are beautiful, worthwhile girls, than if you spend all your time being churlish and conniving about every female that you feel poses a "threat." I may or may not spend a good majority of conversation talking to anyone about how great some of my girl friends are on dates. Which is actually probably something I need to work on, because then I don't get a second date because boys think I'm a lesbian. BUT I'M NOT. I just really love some girls that I am blessed to have in my life.

Bottom line, if you go out with your girlfriends, and a guy is more interested in your friend, then be happy for her--because I promise some other guy is out there who won't even give that friend a second look, because he is so entranced by you.

Thanks for reading, friends:)