For those of you unfamiliar with what a DTR is, (in other words, anyone not from Utah) it is Determining the Relationship. Many view this "talk" as the kiss of death. So many are petrified of bringing it up, and secretly pray the other will say something so you don't have to--or you pray it won't come up at all. To you, fearing this topic, avoiding it like The Plague, I offer this single piece of advice:
Because you have commitment issues? Let's just chat about that. I was being pursued by a guy that I wasn't particularly interested in. We went out a couple times, and he was nice to me and fun, but something was missing for me. So I told him we should just be friends. I was talking to my sister about it a while later, and I told her maybe I really did like him, but I just have problems committing. She looks at me, and in that blunt, sisterly way she just tells me, "no, you don't have that problem. It's not even a real thing." I'm like, ok yeah, tell me my feelings. But she continues to express ideals that people don't have commitment issues, they have problems trying to be with someone they don't really want to be with. I considered that for a while. At this point, admittedly, I feel to express that I agree with that sentiment. While my list of boyfriends is relatively...short, there have been a number of guys I have been "dating," that although we didn't officially have the DTR, I considered to be my boyfriend. Which, the difference between dating and a relationship is another topic for another day. But I digress. Maybe I was being a crazy lady to consider some of them my boyfriend, but in hindsight, at that point in time, anyone I had that consideration for had been the only fella I was going out with, kissing, spending time with, and opening my heart to. He was the only guy at the time that I was honestly pursuing to see if he could be my best friend. Which is kind of (definitely) what relationships are all about at this point in our lives. Right? Right. Agree with me or go back to high school. If you are reading this and you are currently in high school--high school sucks. And I mean, it's not like I went around with his name on my notebook and a tissue he had used to practice voodoo on (name that movie) and told people we were getting married. I didn't even tell anyone he was my boyfriend. In fact, the only reason I mention that I considered any of them my (un)boyfriend is because I liked him a lot and I wasn't interested in going out with other boys because I saw potential and I was intrigued to see where it could go.
STORY TIME! Because we all know I have fun stories. Boy meets girl (me). They flirt, she's all giggly and he's all charming, and he asks for her number. However, he then proceeds to ask her to hang out. Frequently, yes, but the text reads: Hey, can we hang out at this designated specific time? She responds in the positive because homeboy is fun and cute and she likes spending time with him. And they hang out. A few times. It's fun, light, easy. But neither says anything about "dating," so she thinks they are just friends...until a situation presents itself in which the guy feels it necessary to engage in an arduous argument about how she is not being fair because of "what they had." She is feeling super confused though because he just asked her to hang out, and since they never had any sort of discussion otherwise, she thought they were just friends. Maybe she was being naive or ignorant, but rule one of dating someone--YOU MUST CALL IT A DATE. Admitance--the first step, my friends. So pardon me, but because I did foolishly consider some guys to be my unofficial boyfriend and was sorely disappointed when one of them arrived at a function we were to both attend, with a date, I have stopped assuming other people's feelings. But what could I say? We never discussed being exclusive.
So yeah, being vulnerable and asking the person buying you meals and smooching your face if s/he is your boo is completely terrifying. And exhilarating. But you know what's the actual worst? Not knowing. Wondering how someone feels about you is like a perpetual hell. If you ask and are accepted, WAHOO! Kudos to you, kid. Perhaps on the other end, you ask babe if she will be your special lady friend and she says no. At least you know and you can move on and invest in someone who really thinks you're the bees knees.
Consider rejection as redirection. I am now virtually slapping you in the butt and telling you to get out there and have that DTR dang it!
In other news, I found a new tactic, and I will be trying it out on Friday. YOUCANBEMYVALENTINETOO!