Tuesday, February 4, 2014

you can't sit with us!

LESSON 36: STOP HATIN'

I realize a great majority of this blog is directed at or about the fellas. Guys are great. I am a huge fan. But today, I want to talk to the ladies. Namely, the ones that only hang out with boys because you so totally hate drama. If you have ever said the aforementioned line, you are mostly likely the cause of drama in your circle of friends. Nine times out of ten, that is the truth. There is something wrong with a girl that can't get along with other girls.



For all of you who just scoffed and rolled your eyes, lemme finish. I vehemently believe there is something wrong with a girl that either can't or won't get along with other women. I know because I have been there. Reluctantly I confess that there was a time, I was that girl. I only would hang out with guys and maybe one other girl. Maybe.

So what's the issue? Why do we as women tend to hate each other and cause drama? Insecurity. Most girls only view each other as competition, and if you are insecure about yourself, you don't want to interact with a lot of other girls that you may feel are more beautiful, intelligent, funny, successful, what have you. With your group of guy friends, you are always the center of attention, and you feel wanted. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to be wanted. That's an innate human trait. The problem is that you feel inferior to other women (and often men.) Said feeling of inferiority elicits the tearing down and bad mouthing of other females--most often the ones you are closest to or spend the most time with, because you are jealous and see them as your competition. A girl that is confident in herself does not need to make anyone else look bad, because she knows that she has a lot to offer, and she can see the qualities and potential in others.

When I was a kid, I was arguably one of the ugliest persons that has ever gone through puberty. Boys that I liked in middle school used to inform me on a constant basis how much hotter my sister and friends were than me. One boy that I had the biggest crush on, told me once if I got older and looked like my sister, he would totally date me. Lucky me. So it was about that time that I stopped hanging out with other girls, because I felt that if I could finally find a boy that would talk to me, I had to hang on to him and not let him be around other girls. If he had nothing to compare me to, then I looked like a viable option and he would keep spending time with me, and I would finally get some attention. As I grew up and filled out a bit, looked less awkward, acted a little less socially inept, I would just claim that I only hung out with boys because they weren't any drama. In reality, I just feared that if another girl came around the guy I liked would ditch me, since that had been the case for a long time. Although I may have looked cuter, I was still afraid that another girl would come around that was prettier than me, and the boy I liked would ditch me for her.

It's a common tactic for girls to trash each other in front of guys, because it's thought that if she can convince him that she sucks, he won't go after her. Turns out, most guys will go for another girl anyways if he thinks she's attractive, regardless of what you tell him.

I know it's hard not to compare yourself to other women. But if you can't find some solace in who you are as a person, and the way you look, unfortunately, it appears that you have little to offer besides caddishness and insecurity. Read that wording closely. I did not say that you don't have awesome qualities, I said that it's hard for him to see how funny you are if you are always putting down someone else, for example.

As a woman, as a person, you have talents, capabilities, and beauty that is all your own. You bring something unique to the world. If you can't see that, you probably need to stop hanging out with all those guys and find out what you have to offer. If you don't know what you can bring to a relationship, to a man, how do you expect to give it to him?

For the most part, guys I know are attracted to confident females. You are not a victim here. Absolutely, 100% you can fix insecurities. If you feel like you are fat, work out. Maybe you know you are a generally negative person, so you start trying to look at the positive side of things. Back up for a second--I am most certainly not telling you how your personality should be, or what you should look like. I don't believe in "the right size." I believe in feeling good. If you feel beautiful as a size 0, 5, 7, or 11, that is awesome. You are perfect. I am only saying, if you would feel better dropping or gaining a few pounds, then you should change your lifestyle to become what makes you feel beautiful. I was skin and bones as a kid, and I used to pray that I could put on 10 more pounds, because I thought I wouldn't be beautiful if I was the little twig girl. People used to tell me I was too skinny regularly. Well, now I eat entire pizzas, a batch of cookies, and a bag of Doritos and my weight doesn't fluctuate. I do however feel sick, so I try to eat better and work out, because running is like drugs. But I am totally confident in my imperfect, underweight body. I feel beautiful, and that's all I need.

Now that we have covered the problem of why girls don't like each other, let's talk about why we should. I don't care how even tempered and not dramatic you claim to be. Girls have feelings. Women in general, as a gender, have more feelings than boys do. That's why mom's usually stay home and nurture and dad's go to work. I am the first to say that I can't deal with too many emotions. It's hard. I laugh when people cry, because I have inappropriate reactions to things. I had two roommates a few years ago that got in a screaming fight with each other for an entire week. I spent that week hiding at my friend's house. That being said, while I can definitely work on being more sensitive, all girls need to talk and cry about their lives at some point. Myself included. It's a running joke in my family that I don't have feelings, but if my sisters and mom had a nickel for every time I called them crying about whatever, they would be wealthy people. So I guess my point here, is that we all need a friend. We all need a confidant to talk to and console with, so in turn, be that friend. Be a girl that other girls feel comfortable crying to, because there will come a time when you need a shoulder. Also, girls usually are way more fun to take shopping.

In any case, I would like to make one last point. The fact of the matter, is that the majority of guy friends you have now, you likely won't even talk to in 5 years. Either one or both of you will get married, you'll get careers, move away, whatever the case may be, chances are good that you won't talk to the guy you hung out with every night when you have a husband to have a lot more fun. Just saying. But you are a lot more likely to keep in contact with your best girl friends so you can have lunch dates or whatever girlfriends do when they are boring married people. Plus, it would be entirely inappropriate to spend your bachelorette party with a bunch of dudes buying you lingerie. I'm going to go ahead and guess that your soon to be husband would not approve.

So I am not saying that you shouldn't have guy friends. I have close guy friends that I love spending time with. I'm just saying, girls are not all bad. In fact, most of them are pretty amazing if you just give them a chance. I can't tell you how much better you will feel when you go out with a group of girlfriends, and build them up, be a good wing man, just make them feel like they are beautiful, worthwhile girls, than if you spend all your time being churlish and conniving about every female that you feel poses a "threat." I may or may not spend a good majority of conversation talking to anyone about how great some of my girl friends are on dates. Which is actually probably something I need to work on, because then I don't get a second date because boys think I'm a lesbian. BUT I'M NOT. I just really love some girls that I am blessed to have in my life.

Bottom line, if you go out with your girlfriends, and a guy is more interested in your friend, then be happy for her--because I promise some other guy is out there who won't even give that friend a second look, because he is so entranced by you.



Thanks for reading, friends:)

3 comments:

DJ Scheerer said...

This. So much this. I've thought this for a long time, but didn't quite know how to put it into words. My friend's grandpa said one time, "Never trust a girl that doesn't trust her own kind." Which is a funny way of putting it, but ever since, a little red flag goes up when a girl tells me she prefers having boys for friends.

It's funny because girls that tell me this think that it is a desirable trait.Like it is something to be proud of and I will think she is soooo cool. But if you think about it, it makes no sense. Why would I want to compete for the attention of a girl who I am dating with a bunch of other dudes, even if they are "just friends?" I put quotes around the word friend because chances are good that she has feelings for at least one of them. You're right, having a few guys friends is totally OK, but hanging out exclusively with guys screams insecurity, and attention...hog. Like, upvote, +1, retweet.

oliviakaytalley said...

Hey thanks! It's good to hear that from a male's point of view as well. Also, that's absolutely true. People often argue this, but I am 100% positive that any opposite sex friends that spent an inordinate amount of time together are at the very least attracted to each other, and odds are one or more has feelings for the other.

I worked with a girl once who was invited by another girl to hang out some weekend, and the former straight up told her "no, I don't do drama, I only hang out with guys." I was perplexed that she would so openly dismiss another girl extending friendship towards her. Then I listened to her gossip and cause drama about other people in the workplace. I just felt sad that she had so little confidence that she would reject such an innocent, kind hearted invitation from such a nice girl!

A GAL NEEDS said...

I loved this post and have been in and out of this conundrum for awhile. I too have come to the conclusion that females are great as sisters, friends, companions, caregivers, empathizers and partners in crime. But one must learn to be that good friend to get the benefits of the alliance we share with our fellow females. You posted some very solid reasons as to why gal pals are great to have! Great job!

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