Tuesday, January 28, 2014

friendzone level: eponine


There is a place, dark, deep, guarded by the fires of Mordor. A prison, that once condemned to, is seemingly impossible to be escaped. Its like being thrown into The Pit, and you're Frodo, facing Emperor Palpatine, alone, because Sam ate Nightlock--all comprehension of the hope of one day casting the ring into the lava, restoring peace to the galaxy, and climbing those treacherous walls to sweet loving freedom is dead, just like Bruce Wayne's parents. And Harry's parents. Also, Elsa's. Or Clark's. Wow, no one has parents anymore...

....Yes, I know how nerdy I am. No, I don't wonder why I am single. But I'll let you ask me out if you understand every reference in this entire post. There are 9.

Such a dimension is one we all unfortunately know, and all have been thrown into before. It's a place we condemn others to. It's the worst.

How do you know if you're in this realm? Here are the most likely clues:


1. Her period and all the gory details are shared with you.

2. You gentleman of interest offers to set you up with other guys.

3. She farts in front of you. (except we all know that girls don't really fart--we whisper in our panties)

4. You are told, "you're like a brother to me!"

5. Tom Hansen is the most relateable character from 500 Days of Summer. Without the benefits. (If you relate best to Summer, you are probably satan)

6. *Send her a cute text, she responds, "aw, that's sweet."

7. Homeboy calls you "dude"

8. He asks you to get him in contact with the blonde mystery babe, even though you have covered your hair and wrapped up your lady curves to fight in a battle that he helped to spearhead. After you sang a ballad about him.

9. She tells you all the details about her love life...which you are obviously not a part of...

10.  Most obviously, if he/she wears crocs in front of you.

Tips for navigating away from this horrific place? First and foremost, take my advice about HOW TO AVOID THE FRIENDZONE. Make a move, ask her out. FLIRT. Twirl that hair, girl. Otherwise, this is probably inevitable and you should probably stop reading my blog, because it's about dating, and you my friend, are just that---a friend.

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