Wednesday, January 1, 2014

people are totes cray-cray


The following story is an actual event. Only his name has been changed.

So I promised you all a story. A really great story. A really long great story. In honor of my 100th post, I thought it would be the best time time to share.

Now bear with me, the details are important, and this is far too ridiculous not to include everything. So get some popcorn, some ice cream, you'll laugh, you'll cry...mostly just from laughing so hard.

And here we go.

This story starts off on a Monday evening. I meet a boy and we get to talking. Let's just call him Joseph. He asks if I want to go for a walk, and I accept his invitation. We are walking and talking, having a lovely time, and he grabs my hand.

Oh dear. What are you doing? I don't like holding hands unless you are my boyfriend. Kinda weird...

However, we just continue on this course and chat lightly for quite some time. Then, before departing, he asks if he may take me on a date on the following Saturday. Reflecting on the pleasant time we just encountered, I tell him that would be great. Joseph leans in to kiss me.


I turn my head and he apologizes. I should have taken that as in indicator...

The following Tuesday-Thursday, he texts me every morning and calls me every night. I'm working all day every day, so our conversations weren't super long or extensive. No big deal, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

Friday, Joseph texts me in the morning as he usually does, and I respond every couple hours when I had time, and then he begins to call me--which I don't answer because I am--where, ladies and gentlemen?

Oh yes, still at work.

Then I begin to receive text after text until I respond. There are a minimum of 3-4 texts from him to one from me. I'm starting to feel weird. I don't do well with clingy..

Then I get off work. Yet another phone call. I talk to him til I arrive home. Unfortunately, after we hang up, he continues to text me, until about 11 pm when he says goodnight. I bid him farewell. *exhale exasperatedly* I get into bed. My lids get heavy and I drift off, only to receive ANOTHER TEXT FROM HIM!

"Are you up?"

Followed closely by a phone call.

Very sleepily and confused, I answer. He asks me what I'm doing.

Umm cirque del solei. I'm sleeping, idiot! Its 2am!

He reports that he just wanted to say goodnight. "You already said goodnight, why are we talking on the phone right now? I'm sleeping." (I'm slightly less delightful when I am woken from my slumber.)

The next morning I get up, not exactly looking forward to my date. For those of you who don't know me, you ought to know that I am a runner.

Figuratively. I mean, I also like to run literally, but that's beside the point. If I feel at all overwhelmed by him, even slightly suffocated, I put on my shoes and I'm 10 miles away before he can finish dialing my number.

At this point, I'm laced up and ready to bolt. Fortunately for him though, I'm not someone to cancel dates, so I proceed to get ready.

We are going to downtown Houston for a Zombie Walk. That's about a 40 minute drive. We leave about 4 and make the drive. Sitting as close to the window as possible, leaning away from him, crossing my arms or playing with my hair, anything to keep my hands occupied, he just grabs my arm away from my hair and holds my hand.

At that point I had to tell him that I was definitely not cool with holding hands after knowing him only a few days and this being our first date. Which made for a very long, uncomfortable, mostly silent car ride to town. By the time we get there, we had missed the walk, and were wandering aimlessly around the city, because neither of us had been there before and he didn't know where we could eat. Don't worry, I asked someone.

After finally finding a place to eat at a grocery store, the whole dinner is relatively quiet. I just can't think of anything more to say to this guy, because at this point the only response I've elicited is the occasional grunt or "yeah." So I proceeded to talk about my soul mate Kassie, because I'm in love with her and I can talk about her forever. Maybe he would think I was a lesbian and get freaked out and not call me again!

Ho ho, joke's on me! I have no such luck.

So we finally make the trip home.


Longest 3 hours of my life. On the way back, at one point he grabs my hands and spins me around in circles.

Stop. Why is this real life right now?

I still don't know why that happened. We eventually make it back to the car, and in the 40 minutes it took to drive home, we spent 5 minutes tops talking.

Which if you know me even a little bit, is really a feat. As a result of this lapse in conversation, we turn up the music. A song comes on that he loooves. Apparently.

This song is the sappiest song that ever sapped.

But trying to be polite, I'm like, "oh's...cute?" Immediately he pulls of to the side of the road, turns the radio way up and runs out of the car, opens my door, and pulls me out to dance to this song playing on the radio that I actually, in fact, hate.

Please, if there is any mercy in this world, just let this date be over! I just want to go home! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Finally the song ends and he pulls back, still gripping me, and I know he wants to kiss. I turn and start to get back in the car. We finally arrive home, and I can't get to my door fast enough. Joseph stops me at the door and asks if he can take me on a second date. "I'm sorry, I think you're very sweet, but I think we'd be better as just friends. I'm just not really interested. Thank you though!"

The End.

That's not so crazy, you think to yourself. She's ridiculous. Well, you'd be right. Except that wasn't actually the end.



Because you'd think, if you tell a boy you aren't interested, he would peace out. Like I said, I have no such luck. The rest of the night proceeded as follows:

He stares at me, awestruck. "Wait, what?? I don't understand. Why don't you like me?"

"You just aren't really my type. I'm sorry, you're nice, but there's just no spark for me. I just don't feel any sort of connection."
"But, why?"

"It's just not something I can really explain. You like some people and you don't like other people. That's just how it is. I'm sorry, I just don't feel anything for you. I have to go now."

I turn and go into my house and shut the door. As I discuss the events of the evening with my mother, as per usual, and my phone starts ringing. ITS JOSEPH. What on earth could you possibly want?

He informs me that he is turning his car around to come back to my house. He absolutely must speak with me. Hesitantly, I stutter out "Okay?"

Joseph knocks on my door and my mother answers--who he is totally rude to. No one is rude to my momma! Homeboy asks me if we can talk in his truck. Please don't be a murderer, please don't be a murderer...

Before we even get to his truck, he starts: "I just can't let you turn me down for a second date." Why do you think you have a choice? He continues..."It's just not fair! You can't just say no. I deserve another chance. I have never had a girl say no to me before!" Oh, so it's an ego thing. What a maroon, what an ignoramus. Very seriously he turns to me "You know, in a relationship, both people's wants and feelings need to be considered."

To which I respond, "Yes, but this isn't a relationship, because both people have to want a relationship for there to be one in the first place..." I've LITERALLY only known you for 5 days.

Somewhat more somber, he says, "Maybe I'm just having an off night. It's not fair for you to just decide after one date that you don't want to go out with me again. I am holding back so much, you just need to see!" THEN HE BEGINS TO CRY. Let me reiterate: HE LEGITIMATELY HAD TEARS COMING OUT OF HIS FACE. "It's just so hard to find a girl like you *sob* I'm sorry, I didn't want you to see me like this.."

Dude, I didn't want to see you like this. I don't know how to appropriately respond. WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?!

I awkwardly apologize and tell him that I simply don't like him, and I have to go, and basically run into my house.


HA! Just kidding.
Sorry, I'll stop doing that.

I get in my house and before I even finish telling my mom what happened, HE CALLS ME AGAIN!

I don't answer.

He texts me twice. They basically went "feelings, feelings, feelings, YOU ARE MISUNDERSTANDING ME, feelings, feelings, feelings.

I don't answer.

He calls again.


Another text "Please just talk to me. Please just let me explain."

"I'm really sorry, but I know what I want, and it's just not you. That's it."

I get a few more texts of him trying to explain himself, and I don't answer.

Then I don't hear anything. I'm thinking I'm finally done with all that noise. Then he texts me again on Monday. Again and again. And he calls me. I don't answer any of these attempts. By the end of that week, I had 11 unanswered texts and 5 missed phone calls. Believe me, I wish I was making that up.

SUNDAY. The day of all days. Joseph goes to church with me, and I dread seeing him. I know it's going to be bad. My girl friend and I take all measures to avoid him, but alas, we are foiled when he starts down the hallway, coming right to us! This boy stops right in front of me and stares.

"Uh, hi.." I stammer.



My friend "well, Olivia, I wanted you to meet my friend, let's go."

Joseph-"I need to talk to you." He escorts me into the nearest classroom and closes the door. Please don't kill me! "There's no reason for you to be so rude!" he accuses. I'm like, "uhhh, sorry, but I have nothing to say to you. Gotta go."

Whew. Maybe that's the end?? NOPE.

He finds me again, 5 minutes later, and says the same thing. "You can't just stop talking to me. You are so rude!"

"Listen, I'm sorry you think I'm rude. Maybe we just shouldn't talk to each other if that's how you feel."

"YOU DON'T TALK TO ME!" he yells.

"I just don't know how to respond to you anymore."

"Ok, whatever Olivia, have a nice life."


I manage to avoid him the rest of church, but there were refreshments afterwards, and I love food, so I ate whilst talking to my girl, and he circles us. About 5 times. We run away, because we are very mature.

On the drive home, I get 2 more texts. I don't answer. He calls. I don't answer. He proceeds to text me 6 more times. For those of you non math majors, that adds up to 17 unanswered texts. I lost track of phone calls. 6 maybe?

Told you he cried. You didn't believe me did you?? Also, I have no idea what the caramel reference is about. Anyways, I finally told him he made me feel very uncomfortable, and he responds with some lengthy text about feelings, and I haven't heard from him since. (Mind you, this was all in a 13 day time period.) Maybe that's actually the end?? Maybe he'll show up at my window with a knife. No one really knows for sure. But if I never write another post, HE DUNNIT!

So what do we learn from this? If a girl says she doesn't want a second date, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If you inappropriately overwhelm her with feelings after knowing her for less than 2 weeks, after she says she doesn't like you, she may just write a blog about you. No one really knows for sure.


Nichole Giles said...

Holy stalker. Good luck keeping him away. Cray-cray is right!

Becky Fyfe said...

Um, that's very stalker-ish. I hope he starts, at some point, to take the hint (even though it was more of an in-your-face-tell-it-like-it-is than a hint).

The thing is, not enough young men have been taught to respect a woman's wishes, and that's a sad state for society. You do not want to go out on another date with him, which you tell him, yet he thinks he can push and plead and pester you into changing your mind. That right there is a serious lack of respect. I hope I am raising my boys better than that. His wishes do not subsume your wishes. *sigh* (I met my share of guys like this back in my dating days. Believe it or not, I even met worse.)

DJ Scheerer said...

Stories like this make me feel bad for girls. Yeesh. Can I apologize in behalf of all men?

oliviakaytalley said...

on behalf of the ladies, we thank you

Sandra said...

Sweetie, this is 28 years of being married to someone like this(and a counselor) speaking to you- This guy is a narcissist. Look it up and you will see his picture. NO CONTACT of any kind is the best thing. Ignore his texts, don't answer his calls and if he bugs you at church or comes to your house, get a restraining order. I am serious because a narc won't stop and if you ignore them it makes them crazy and if you respond they continue. Never speak to him again, never answer a text and don't make eye contact at church and block him in your phone.

Michelle Glauser said...

I'm glad that he finally stopped. I hope that really is the end of it.

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you break the date? If you feel uncomfortable don't do it. His feelings don't matter if he is stalking you.

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