Time to have "the talk"

This morning I came across an article from Cosmo Magazine, written by a girl who has decided she wants to fight BYU's "ban on sex." Normally, I stay out of controversial arguments directed to/about BYU, because I don't really care. I don't go to the school. I don't necessarily have any loyalties to it.

I have hesitated to say anything on here about feminism in the LDS culture, because I have friends on all sides and the last thing I would ever want is to say something that would hurt anyone's feelings. For the purposes of this post, however, it seems necessary to address it. I am, what could probably be considered the anti-feminist. So perhaps my understanding of the movement is skewed, and if that is true, forgive my ignorance--but as I understand it, the feminist movement is all about empowering women. About women raising above where they feel society has placed them. Which I will assume is where Keli Byers takes a stance. In her article, she states she is a member of the "Young Mormon Feminists, a group that's not endorsed by the Church or BYU. We talk about how the Church doesn't see women as equal to men and how BYU is slut-shaming. The school's honor code forces women to dress modestly — no skirts above the knee — supposedly to help men control their thoughts. The group helped me reclaim my sexuality and realize my sexual assault wasn't my fault. I'm now in a questioning phase with the Church. I still think the idea of committing to someone for eternity is beautiful, but the Church could use improvement in the way it treats women." 

I 100% believe she can do whatever she wants, and be a part of whatever group makes her happy or feel better. Such is her prerogative. And my issue isn't even really her petition against BYU. I have many thoughts about that, however, I don't want to beat that dead horse about BYU being a private institution and that no one is forced to go there, and choosing to go there means choosing to uphold the standards it has taken on, because its not exactly a secret that BYU is a school where many many students choose to attend for its high upheld standards...then again, maybe I do.

My real issue is the light, or I guess more appropriately darkness, that has been cast over the Church and its treatment of the sexually active or assaulted. She addresses both.

When she talks about her own sexual assault, she mentions that she is banned from church. No one is banned from church, leastwise someone who has been sexually assaulted. I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for 21 years. Not once, in any capacity, have I been taught that one that has been sexually violated is dirty. Never. So perhaps she misunderstood her bishop, or misconstrued his words, and obviously I wasn't there, and I can't say anything first hand, but I do know that we are explicitly taught that that type of violation is something a victim will not and can not be held accountable for. If anyone has yet to read The Miracle of Forgiveness, I would highly encourage it. I know it has been addressed that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is advised for those who are and have been victims, because the Atonement was made for so much more than sins. It is for all hurts, all pain, mending broken lives, putting hearts and souls back together--whether they were broken by our own actions, or the fault of another. It is all encompassing.

Now, I would like to address this next part with the utmost humility. I have avoided talking about sex on here for the very reason that I believe it is sacred. In terms of her call for accepting a sexual lifestyle. The way I see it, she either feels that only men are allowed to be sexual and have sexy time without consequences, or she wants it to be acceptable for everyone to be sexually active. Either way you look at it, as far as I can see, it's wrong. I know for a fact, from men I know personally, that if they are caught having sex under contract, they get kicked out of BYU. They are breaking the contract, the promise they made to be chaste while living in BYU housing, attending the university. And let's also address real quick, that if you are married, BYU doesn't care if you have sex--as long as it is faithfully and within the confines of your marriage. So it doesn't ban sex. It bans promiscuity. The Church, likewise, teaches that sex, outside the bands of marriage is wrong. Not because sex is bad, or because the Church wants people to be miserable, but because the very act of a husband and wife making love is the ultimate sign of love, and we believe it is as close as we mortal beings can get to the glory of God in this life. We believe sex is the intertwining and union of two souls. That is why it is viewed with such seriousness and severity if it is abused. I think it's a little silly for her to proclaim herself to be "just a sexual person." If you talk with just about any human being with a pulse, they will tell you they want to have sex all the time. Now, depending on the person, some are practiced and capable of managing and controlling the urge to jump into bed with everyone they have ever loved, liked, or for some people, anyone who is willing. The bottom line is, everyone is sexual. To one extent or another, everyone is, and to pretend you alone are the only one who loves to make love, is ignorant and incredibly naive. I don't have sex because I believe that it is an expression of love, vulnerability, and happiness that I only want to share with one person, for all eternity. I don't have sex because I can't personally bear to give that much of my heart, that part of myself, to anyone but the one man that I know will love me unconditionally always. Because I still believe in that once in a lifetime, forever kind of love. Because I am confident. Because I know that my body is a sacred gift that was loaned to me by the Father in Heaven, and that I get to choose who I get to share it with. And, because I only want to merge souls with one person, completely, beautifully, indefinitely.

I don't mean to tear this girl down, as it would appear she is having serious struggles. I can't imagine the kind of pain she must feel to undergo a struggle of faith. I just feel, as a member of the LDS faith, especially as a woman, I want to proclaim with everything I am, that I do not feel oppressed. My understanding of the gospel is that our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children with perfect equality. I know that He doesn't love men more than women, and I know that if He intended for women to hold the priesthood, we would. God's laws cannot be changed or altered by man. That is an eternal and fundamental principal of the gospel. I have never, ever felt like I am less than another. I would encourage anyone who feels differently to search their scriptures, pour their heart out in prayer, and build their relationship with Heavenly Father. I testify that every soul is precious in the eyes of God, and that if we all will let Him, He will show us how incredible true that is.

nice guys...blah blah blah

GUEST POST!

I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks ago, and he was going on about how he is always hearing about how "nice guys finish last." In my head, I'm just thinking great, another whiny nice guy debate. I bet pureeing my ovaries would be more fun than to talk about this again... Then he started expressing his take on the...phenomenon, I guess we may appropriately call it. I was intrigued to hear his thoughts. He then asked me if he could write a blog about it so I could publish from a guy's point of few on the matter. Then a while ago, an article emerged that was a letter a girl had written to herself, kicking herself for letting the nice guy go. I showed the article to Nick, (the aforementioned friend) and his response was to email me the following:

It has come to my attention that an increasing number of the male population are coming down with a terrible affliction. Diagnosis? Nice Guy Syndrome. Sufferers of NGS assume that life isn't fair to "nice" guys and that "nice" guys finish last. Well, "nice" guys do indeed finish last. They finish after ugly guys, even. And there is a very good reason for this. No, women don't love jerks. No, women are not the most shallow people, nor are they animalistic. They just crave a relationship with a little substance, with something deeper than "niceness." Oh, and being nice for your own personal gain isn't being nice at all. No woman, nor any person for that matter, is obligated to give you ANYTHING for being nice. One should be nice because all people deserve kindness and respect. All people are still indeed people. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. And now you're thinking "but I am nice to women, but I'm not getting anything out of it." Let me repeat myself, being nice to get something is not kindness at all. In fact, this is called manipulation and is a terrible thing to do to another human being. As I said before, all people crave a deeper relationship than simply just kindness. So, do yourself a favor and become deeper than the fake niceness that you usually display. Not to gain women, you understand, but to become a better and deeper person. Think about what you love and become more invested in it. Rather than looking for the perfect person, become the perfect you. I promise that you will find more happiness and more people in your life. Get over your self-pitying and get a life. Your happiness is dependent on you, not on others. You can ignore this advice and continue to try and manipulate people into giving you what you want, but it won't happen. People in general are pretty perceptive and can see right through your transparent attempts. You think that women choose a "jerk" over you because they like to get their heart broken, when in actuality, the "jerk" is just more dynamic of an individual. At least in their eyes. Perhaps if "nice" guys would stop making a fake "perfect gentleman" façade, they would understand that their approach is wrong. Treat others as actual humans and you will see an increase in the amount of people in your life.

-Nick

For the record, I want you all to know the subject line in this email is "Nick W******'s Views on 'Nice Guys' More Like Nice Try LOLZ"

That's why we are friends.

Lulz.

i dreamed a dream when ann hathaway didn't cut her hair

About two and a half months ago, I called up some friends to join me at the Color Festival in Spanish Fork, UT--which is basically a Hindu celebration of Spring, and all of Utah County comes and throws chalk at each other. However, the weather wasn't promising, so a couple friends and I decided against going. Instead we just ended up driving around, and I mentioned I wanted to do something different with my hair. One of my friends asked if he could shave one side. After much serious deliberation (no real thought at all,) I was like, "okay! La ti daaaaaa."

So we went grabbed his clippers and this happened....

Then this

Kenny said it was hot. Which is all that matters

unfortunately my parents only saw this

So I was fully embracing this punk, edgy, new hairstyle. I was really in love with it. I constantly had people compliment my hair--I even had a customer at work ask if she could take a picture of it so she could show it to her hairstylist and get her hair to look the same. Which would have been totally rad, but she was in her fifties, so kind of it was mostly weird.

Maybe a month or so ago, a group of guys came into work. I knew a couple of them from a couple years ago, and I talked to them a little while they were there. They said they were celebrating their friend's birthday, and invited me to go to Salt Lake with them later. My plans fell through for the night, and I figured, whatever. I knew some of them, my girl friend was going up to Salt Lake around the same time, so I went. The guys that were driving were not guys I knew intimately. In fact, I only knew the driver because one of my old roommates hung out with him a bit. So I am now in a car with three boys I don't really know, and I am starting to feel a little anxious. Yes, I already know that was a poor life choice on my part, so let's not talk about that again. But in my defense, I was under the impression the guys I knew would be meeting up with us. Turns out, they weren't. But we did meet up with another guy, who was really just....*charming.

*He was not charming at all.

So we are planning on going to a club called Keys on Main, which is actually a cool place where they can literally play any song on the piano. Even if it's not a piano song. I told my girl friend to meet us there. However, one of the guys has an expired license, so the bouncers won't let us in. It was then the guys decided to go to Bar X. Which was not such a cool place. My only options at this point were to ditch these guys, and be by myself in downtown Salt Lake City at midnight, or go with them. Unfortunately it was also at that time that my friend told me she wasn't coming up to Salt Lake after all. Thinking it was probably my best option to not be alone, I went with the guys.

Turns out, being a devout Mormon girl, that weighs all of 118 pounds, at a bar with belligerent drunk men is not that fun. Weird. I know. I told them I was a lesbian and I slipped away to the bathroom where I called a friend from the area and asked him to come pick me up. Thankfully he had just got done with work so he could come right over. And yes, it was super embarrassing and I felt like an idiot.

On the way home, we talked about work and country music. Even though I felt really stupid that we were in this position in the first place, I felt really at peace with him. Granted, I did have one of the drunk guys enlighten me that he was "definitely going to see [my] titties before the end of the night." But this friend driving me home, was just genuinely a good guy, also a member of the LDS church. While we were talking, he had mentioned this picture that he had picked of me to show up on his phone. I asked if I could see and he pulled up this picture..

I got home and played this night over and over again in my head. Those guys had mentioned more than once that they thought I looked like a girl they wanted to hang out because of my hair. Then I think of my friend that saved me from a potentially horrible outcome, who is kind and considerate, and that he hand picked that picture of me because that was the picture he liked best or thought represented me or whatever. My point is, I realized that even though I am not a rebellious girl, that despite my beliefs and how much I love my church, because my hair was shaved, these guys judged me to be a girl that likes to party. Sure, they shouldn't be judging, and I am not saying anything against people who have this haircut at all. Because I really love it. I am just saying that the above pictures are two very different images, and attracted two very different types of people.

Granted, a good majority of my friends, namely my guy friends, expressed that they liked the shaved head thing and that they thought it was really hot and cool, but those are people that already know me and what I stand for. They are people who already know that I don't drink or party, or show guys my boobs. However, as is evident by my current relationship status (single) I am still looking to meet someone to date and marry. So, while I'm not actually rebellious, if strangers think I am by what my image portrays, that makes it a lot harder to find the kind of guy I want to marry. Getting married in the temple is so important to me, that I would rather end up alone, than to marry a man who couldn't take me there.

So I have thought long and hard about the kind of girl I want to be, the kind of girl I want to come across as to attract the kind of guy I want. While I don't think people should judge one another except by their heart, from this experience, for me personally, I have decided that as much as I love my shaved hair, it is so much more important to me that I am not only appearing the way I believe, but also that I am a good example. I have little sisters, and I have been a counselor at a church camp. Rather than looking at me and seeing someone "cool," I want those girls to look at me and see someone who loves the church. Someone who is an example of Christ, who loves and serves people. I mean, the fact of the matter is, people are going to judge the way you look. No matter what. It's human nature. I was always that girl in high school that never wore tank tops or short shorts, and everybody told me I looked like a goody two-shoe Molly Mormon. In Utah, if I had a nickle for every person that told me I should wear my eye make up because I looked like a "bad girl," since I also have dark hair, I'd be a rich girl. Of course, I don't think we should society dictate what we should wear or look like. But as members of the LDS church, we are asked to keep a certain standard. That being said, I am growing out my hair. Unlike my make up, I do feel like my hair makes a certain statement, because I have received different attention since having it. Those boys aren't the only experience, just probably the most impactful. And that is not the attention I want. For those of you reading this, I mean this entirely as self discovery, and in no way am I judging anyone else or saying how you should live. This is all me and what I feel about myself.

PS. I apologize to my friend that told me he never wanted to be in my blog. Because now you are...