what's the chinese word for "hell"?

"This is a story of boy meets girl....
But it is not a love story"


I was in Vegas with some friends one weekend pretty recently, when a guy made a comment that I could never be in an abusive relationship because of my aforementioned attributes. However, I was caught off guard by a realization I had in that moment: I was in an abusive relationship.

For nearly 9 months, I was manipulated and emotionally torn apart by someone that I was convinced cared about me.

Then I finally stepped out of the situation far enough to see him and realize "you didn't love her. You just don't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. But you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love."  

Grey's anatomy has never been more relatable, amiright?

And it honestly never even dawned on me until that exact moment, several months later.

That's how messed up I was.

I spent months on an emotional roller coaster, fighting with this boy that never let me win.

Who wouldn't apologize.

A boy that would say the most cutting, hurtful things I could have been told--and then would explain why he was right (and justified) about what he said, as his only attempt for resolve.

I felt picked apart over and over, and when I tried to address the way it hurt my feelings, he would deny having ever said those things. Because I didn't have "proof."

Like dude, sorry I don't have a camera on me at all times to record our lives all the time.

Get real.

And that was the epitome of our relationship.

It seems like you can see those couples as a bystander, see their fighting and obvious dissonance and think that would never be me. I would never let someone treat me like that.

But then you are in that situation. You spend all this time thinking you have found someone that deserves this special place in your heart. You are persuaded that they are "helping" you when they point out your flaws.

You try to give, but he tells you that you don't give enough. So you give more and more, all the while not realizing that you aren't giving your heart to someone who loves you, that wants the best for you.

Too late you find out that you have given the most vulnerable parts of you to be criticized and eventually exploited.

Even after we broke up, he spent 6 weeks purposefully making my life a living hell in China, where he said the absolute most horrible things I had ever been told.

Then, THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I ran into him at a movie a few weeks after returning from China. That night he proceeded to email me to tell me that we should try to be friends.

I told him that was impossible at this point, because he left me no reason to ever trust him. Or even want to have anything to do with him. That he never even showed remorse or attempted to apologize for his poor behavior in China.

It was at that point that he explained to me that it was his right to act the way he did, because his own selfish motivations were more important than 1. my feelings, 2. his professional responsibilities, and 3. the promises that he had made to me before we even left for China, to treat me with decency and respect. Because did I mention that he was in charge of the program that I went to China with? That is was literally HIS JOB to be respectable.

He actually told me that he was justified in his mistreatment of me because, since he treated me so poorly, and some other girl in the group so well, that he now gets to get married. So it was all worth it to him.

Smell that? Yeah it's the fat pile of **** that his email was.

No apology.

Honestly, I was floored that he could, in good conscience, excuse his behavior because it further nursed his pride.

Well I'll tell you right here and now, I am not one single little bit jealous of that girl that has to marry him. Good luck marrying your rebound, bro.

And I know you're probably wondering why I would go to China with my ex in the first place.

Not my best idea, I know. But I wanted to go. So I did. Plus, he HAD previously promised to make it a positive experience for me. He told me that if I still went, (post breakup) that he would do everything in his power to be civil and to help me love going.

So yeah, I foolishly bought into that and went. I'm pretty confident that we was just worried that it would look bad on his company if he lost one of his teachers, so just talked out of his butt so I wouldn't back out.

While we were there, he lashed out at me on multiple occasions. Telling me things like that I was pathetic. Never mind that I only went because he practically BEGGED me to come. Never mind that I had given more of myself to this boy, and gone to more extents to be with him and love him than ever I had before in my life.

He completely tore me to pieces, emotionally, verbally.

I lost all confidence in myself.

This was so much more than a heartbreak. What I felt was complete worthlessness.

I was depressed.

I couldn't see that I was worth anything, because he convinced me that I was incapable of being in a relationship with anyone. That I didn't know how to compromise and be with someone.

How do you come back when the person you have tried hardest to love, tells you that you've failed?

Well, my dad gave me some perspective.

He asked me one night why I was letting someone that didn't love me, define me.

"Let those that truly love you help you see you as you really are."

So why write about such personal things? Because no one is immune to this kind of relationship.

Everyone is suseptible to this kind of manipulation. It's an incredible mind game that many have mastered. It's quite disheartening to see how much I let one person define me--rather than listening to so many others who sincerely did love and care about me, who saw the best in me.

I let a boy change what I saw as my divine worth. I lost sight of my favorite qualities about myself.

And I absolutely don't claim to have been perfect in our relationship. I certainly have flaws and am human. I reacted to his words and his actions in ways I shouldn't have, at times. I was wrong so many times. But as I was listening to this talk by Jeffrey R Holland, one passage struck me hard:

"In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."

I broke up with him after reading that a couple times over and replaying the extend of our relationship, including our long friendship. 

It felt wrong for a long time, and I couldn't figure out why. Until one day it occurred to me that I didn't feel safe with him. At all. I always felt defensive. 

Every time I let my guard down to let him in, he would be tear into me.

Even after I broke up with him, he told me that I did so because I didn't care enough about him to fight for our relationship. That I didn't really care about him. And I sincerely believed that. Which destroyed me. I had so much love for this boy that I felt so bad being with.

150,000% that was not the reality. I dumped him because a part of me had realized that he wasn't treating me the way I should have been treated. 

Like no matter what I did, I was always wrong. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough for him. He told me that over and over again. 

And sometimes, I just wanted to not be wrong. Sometimes, I just wanted to be appreciated for the effort I was giving. 

I also wanted to be properly courted. 

I never received any of those things.

These aren't selfish wants.

And that's a large contributing factor to this post.

Because I am done feeling guilty for getting out of a relationship that belittled me and made me feel less than I am. I will never again let the pride of someone I care about be more important than my own happiness.

Love is never prideful. It is selfless. It builds you. It strengthens and looks for the best in you. Never does it focus on the flaws of another. Its about seeing potential, in lieu of focusing on weaknesses.

This is a new year and I am so ready for what it holds. Everything that happened is in the past now, and I have been beyond blessed to have found myself again. To have regained the confidence lost. To be me again. And I owe that to my loved ones, my family, and my faith. I thank everyone that stood by me and loved me through this, because I am someone that is worth loving. I am someone that loves to love.

Never be with someone who makes you question that.

To 2016! Cheers!

love as i have loved you

So I know this blog is neverrrr*** controversial and never sparks debates, and has nothing to do with my own personal beliefs or stances, but I thought just this once, I would be a little outspoken.


***I'm always outspoken.

And since this is a dating blog, and the end goal of dating is marriage, I felt this seemed appropriate for today.

Yesterday the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints had many articles published about it regarding it's policy for the membership of children within same sex parent homes. I have seen a substantial amount of backlash and upset from not only the general public, but from dear friends of mine. So I hope to shed a bit of light on the subject. And since I am a teacher, it is time to have a lesson.

Did you know that Muslims cannot be baptized into the church in Egypt at 8 years old?

Did you know children from polygamous homes also cannot be baptized into the church at 8 years old?

Did you know any child from any household in America or any other country, with parents that say they can't be baptized can NOT be baptized at 8 years old?

No one since the history of this church has been able to be baptized without the proper permissions and authorities. In fact, angels had to come out of heaven to give Joseph Smith the proper channel through which to baptize and be baptized.

In order for a boy to receive the priesthood, he must have permission to do so. And all mission calls are divinely appointed through the first presidency. I implore everyone to try to understand what is being said. And please don't be mistaken into thinking that anyone is exempt from being blessed by the church. Anyone can receive a priesthood blessing, as well as blessings rained down from heaven.

So yes, different steps must be taken for a child from a same sex parent home must be taken in order to receive baptism, and other ordinances. But they are not the only ones. Is it possible that we as members are being tested? Yes. Is it possible that those children who will have to wait to officially become part of this church will be held responsible or punished for that? The answer is a resounding no. Might I add, that no where does it say kids are not allowed to come to church meetings or gatherings. Any who feel inclined to sit among our congregations are welcomed with open arms. Don't mistake the churches eternal stance on homosexuality for bigotry. Never in my life have I been taught to hate another person. Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or weakness, it is an eternal principle to love one another. Often times people confuse the ability to love another without condoning their choices, with being prejudice.

That being said, no one outside of the Lord and those whom He called as apostles knows without a doubt why these policies are instated. However, all the faith in my heart screams that it is on the basis of protection.

How confusing would it be as a young, impressionable child of 13 to have been baptized into a church that teaches that practicing homosexuality is a sin, and learn the principles of what the LDS church preaches to be the true family unit every Sunday, and to come home to a family with two moms or two dads. I work with children all the time. I have worked with them for years in various capacities and ages. I know how confused they are about life. I know how hard they are looking for answers and looking for self confidence, discovery, and assurance. Growing up in a home where we were all infinitely close with one another, I can say without hesitation that one of my biggest draws towards the gospel of Jesus Christ was the promise that by and through it, I would have the opportunity to be with my family forever. As a kid, the church meant a lot to me because my family meant a lot to me.

My parents for as long as I can remember taught our family motto as "no empty chairs." That meant that we wanted to be with each other forever. And the church gives us that promise. I can't say for sure, but I would imagine if I was as close to my family growing up, but learning in church that we could not be together forever would deter me from that religion. Or perhaps it would distance me from my family. The bottom line is, this gospel is not by any means trying to tear homosexual households apart. In fact, I believe the Elders are telling us that this church doesn't want to be the reasons family is torn apart. It happens, unfortunately. But I think this is a preemptive measure to contain that and maintain peace in the home until a child becomes an adult. As an adult, that child can choose if he or she believes in the church and views same sex marriage as a choice their parents, who certainly love them so dearly, made, but not one that will lead to an eternal, exalted family.

The church has never supported gay marriage as a family unit. That is not news. However, I believe there is a chance here to turn to our Father in Heaven to let Him show us His purposes. This is a time to be tested. To trust. To grow your faith. The brethren have never lead us astray. The gospel has always been, and will certainly forever be about love. Let members love you. Love each other. As you are filled with love, let that breed understanding and patience. I stand as a witness with Nephi who wrote "I know that [the Lord] loveth his children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things." I ask for civility on the war that has begun waging on this church I love so dearly. Hatred of this church won't cause a change in policies. Attacks on the brethren or members won't get you what you want, unless you are seeking for sorrow. I hope this post will encourage everyone to try to see this from an eternal perspective and an educated standpoint. I love the gospel so much. I love the prophet and the apostles. I know they lead by the spirit. And I know "whether by mine own voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same."

Pray. Take your concerns and your questions to the Lord. I promise if your heart is open, He Will bring peace and understanding to your mind.  Don't let this derail what testimony you have already. Hold to the ground you have gained and ask in faith.

I love you.

don't drink the water...poison

LESSON 41: DON'T LOSE YOUR FACE

It was the summer of ...more recent than I care to tell you all.

I had a friend at work that wanted to set me up with his brother. I conceded to go to dinner to meet him.

His brother, whom we will call Dave, (because he looked like Dave Franco,) was babetastic. Obviously. Hence the nickname. He has a great smile, he was a gentleman, he cooked a delicious dinner, and he was fun. All signs pointed to the death of my single life.

RIP.

So later that night, he and his brother suggested we go longboarding. I told them I had never been before, and they said they would teach me.

Which was perfect because men love being manly and teaching girls to do stuff! (right?)

So we go to the car, and I am wearing sandals and shorts, and I asked if that was proper longboarding attire. They informed me that it was.

It unfortunately was not. 

So we get to the canyon, and they teach me most of the basics, and I can catch on to things pretty quickly, so I thought I was ready.

We rolled out.

Now, I don't know if y'all have ever longboarded down Provo Canyon, but it can be considered slightly treacherous for a trial run longboarding. But me, being the rock star that I am, did pretty well.

The guys had to stop me a couple of times, and I walked down one of the steeper slopes, but overall, I was decently impressed with myself. And of course I thought I was impressing homeboy Dave. What a good night!

The only thing that wasn't ideal, as far as I was concerned, was that at some point down the canyon, it occurred to me that I had to use the facilities...you know...because I have a teeny tiny bladder.

Needless to say I was feeling pretty good. I played a little damsel in distress, while also being the cool, confident, "I can do what you can do," chick.

And then we get to the bottom of the canyon.

Dave had stopped in front of me. And unfortunately, in all their teaching, my sensei's had forgot to teach me how to stop.

Now, if I remember correctly, I think we both went the same way to dodge one another, but I knew a collision was inevitable.

So I bailed.

I just straight jumped off the longboard.

Upon landing, I made contact first on the ground with my ankle, which I twisted, and then rolled and hit my head.

During some point of my little tumble, it would seem that I would lose control of my inhibitions.

Yep.

I legit peed my pants. With two super good looking guys in the canyon, far away from my house.

Dave ran over to see if I was ok, and I laid there. Soiled.

Like the gentleman he was, Dave tried to help me up. I pushed him away, pretending I was trying to be tough. When in reality, I really just didn't want him to gain intelligence on my predicament. We got to his car and his brother peaced out when I told him I was ok. So it was just me, Dave, his car, and my urine.

All I could think was that I was thankful for the cover of night, but that I would be sabotaged and betrayed by the appearance of a wet seat.

So the entire ride home, I lifted myself up so I wouldn't sit directly on his car seat. Dave asked why I didn't just sit down, and I told him it was because my ankle hurt. Which I guess he believed.

I'm not sure what holding myself up above the seat would do to subdue the pain in my ankle, but I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He also insisted on taking me to his house so he could doctor my injuries, but I loudly protested. It is possible that he attributed that to me not liking him, when in reality, I just needed to take my pants off.

I kept this secret to myself for a long time, because as someone that doesn't get embarrassed often, I was a little mortified.

Especially because I suspected that the boys might have some inclination as to what happened, but they didn't say anything out of respect. Which I truly appreciate.

It was a situation that at the time, I recognized that it was a funny thing, and I would probably think was funny later, but it was not funny then!!

However, a few weeks ago, I told some people in China, and then they told everyone else, and now I can accept it as just funny. Speaking of which, whilst in China, we had an intern that worked with us, that mostly spoke English, but she would still ask what certain words or phrases meant. At one point, she asked what the English translation of the Chinese phrase "lose my face" would be. Some people told her in America, it would be the same as saying "peed my pants." Which wasn't true. But we didn't know what it meant to lose your face! Hence the title.

So yeah. I couldn't date a boy because I peed my pants on our longboarding adventure.

Darn loss of bodily functions.