this is why we can't have nice things

I never really believed in karma. I believe in consequences from choices. Which, maybe is the same thing, but I never really thought the universe was in charge of making sure each person who punched a gypsy in the groin eventually gets kicked in the pants. (+50 points if you guess that reference.) Probably mostly because last year was the year from hell, and I couldn't imagine what I might have done to have karma bite me in the butt so hard. Please don't be too impressed by the eloquence of that last statement.

Wise man says that to state past performance is no indicator of future performance is a sucker's maxim. That in mind, I would like to explicitly state that I do not believe in being a victim of circumstance. However, the events of last year, and my financial woes, combined with multiple horrific accidents, I have had the mindset that I would probably perpetually be poor and struggling. Even after quitting my sub job and starting at a diamond store, I could see the difference in my bank account, but I could not make my mind believe that I was any better off. Regardless, I made a budget and convinced myself I needed a car again. I mean, as much fun as it is walking to work in the cold and what would eventually become freezing/snowy conditions, it just wasn't practical. And I wanted to be a real adult again, take charge of my situation, be independent. So I bought one.

I bought a car.

Then the next day, I had a complete break down, drove back to the dealership and tried to return it. Because in my mind, I am still in that rut of having no money, not being able to afford things or take care of myself. Which, coincidentally is why I would shy away from relationships in the past. I just thought, if I could barely get by trying to take care of myself, how could I be responsible to anyone else? Why would I be good enough to be with someone, when I felt like I had nothing?

Then last night, I was spending time with some truly amazing girls. We laughed until we cried, and we started talking about a myriad of things--including the aforementioned car situation. Then, one of the girls looks at me and says, "remember the lilies." I look at her and think what she could mean, and it comes to me. This chick is nuts. What the freak lilies is she talking about? She explained, "God takes care of even the little plants and flowers that can't take care of themselves. Why do you think He wouldn't take care of one of His children? He takes care of the lilies." Then she went on to talk about how you get out what you put in. If you believe you deserve good things, you will get good things.

I realized how painstakingly right she was. Not because the universe rewards good thoughts and deeds, but the Lord does. And if I believe I can afford the things I want, I will do whatever I can to make it happen, and that's how Heavenly Father can most easily bless you, I think. So I don't have to be afraid of being in the same situation I was in last year, because I'm not. And I never want to be again. I believe I have so much to offer, as a person, in my ability to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly, so I don't have to even give a second thought to boys who think its acceptable to kiss girls and play them like a soccer game. Turds. I know you know better. And I am so much more than that. So, as stressed as buying that car initially made me, I am completely in love with it now. With my capability to pay for it, my will to succeed, and with the idea that romance is real and I am worth loving. Ultimately, what you believe you have to offer is what you will give. In life, love, and everything else. Our Father in Heaven has never forgotten us. He has a plan for each of us individually and truly, all He wants is our happiness and well being. Whether through trials or blessings, you are being taken care of.

Always, remember the lilies.