LESSON 23: HOW TO NOT MEET PEOPLE AT WEDDINGS
In honor of my bajillion friends that keep getting engaged/married in the recent weeks/months, (that's ok guys, I like being the only single person) whom I am very happy for (I happily see your announcements and pictures as I eat my loneliness away in box after box of pizza) I thought I'd write a post about what a (not) great opportunity it is to meet your own special someone at one of these weddings! Because obviously wedding receptions are to help with your dating game rather to celebrate the happiness and union of your loved ones. (They are just waiting to get this over with so they can consummate the marriage, they don't need your congratulatory handshake...)
Wedding receptions are tricky. You're expected to come to congratulate the newly-weds, bring some kind of gift to help them on their new life's journey together (that you likely won't be a part of anymore) and be happy. Seems simple enough right? Except then arises the eternal question: do you bring a date?
To bring a girl friend/buddy--Last time I brought a girl friend to a reception, the guy that was trying to pick up on me I noticed trying to pick up my friend as well, then asked us both for our numbers simultaneously. I believe we laughed at him and walked away.
To bring a date--everyone else is likely to be coupled off, unless they are little children, however, some people find their eternal companions early on... You could have someone there to talk to, to dance with, to get you food, to be your cover when your brother obnoxiously unzips your pencil skirt in the middle of the night and you aren't keen on the world knowing all the intimate details of your ensemble, etc, etc. But the catch there, is that everyone assumes you're as in love as every other married couple in the room, and ask you when the big day is, which kindles the already present awkward tension because one of you is like, "yeah, when are we?" and the other is like "umm...my foreseeable future includes some cheese fries later...?" A wedding date tends to be a level up in the dating scene, depending on the wedding and who your date will be meeting. So that poses questions as to whether it's "too soon," or if you guys are serious enough, or if its even a big deal at all. So if you're single, maybe you're thinking "ok, skip all that and I'll just go by myself and meet someone! Latida..."
To not bring a date--So you opt to go alone. You get all dressed up, new clothes, new kicks, you're looking so good, you may just end up hitting on yourself. You're being friendly and personable, congratulating the happy couple and having a good time. Then, you grab some grub and have a seat, and chances permit that you end up sitting by a pretty good looking guy (girl.) Checking the finger and taking notice of an anecdote he had told earlier about a recent date he had been on, you conclude that he is available and you start to work your womanly wiles. Twirling your hair and laughing at his jokes, he flirts profusely, almost shamelessly with you, and in your mind, things are going well. You both bid your farewell and you're feeling like if you looked in the mirror, you'd probably see Harrison Ford looking back at you (+15 points if you can name that movie reference.) Later, you're chatting with your recently married friends, and the husband points out that he noticed you and said cute boy from the reception really hitting it off. You play it off cool, like it was no big deal because you obviously hit it off with everyone (not true, you're still single) and you grunt some form of agreement, while inside you replay the nice time you had and a smile dances across your face. Then, this husband friend says "yeah, he hits it off that well with his wife who is currently pregnant with his child..." Nice.
Solution? Make the wedding cake your date. Because cake has zero commitment issues, it doesn't have a number to give out, and it can't be married. Besides, if you eat it all and get fat, well, you're already single, it's not really a hindrance.