you are really dumb. for real.

LESSON 40: PICK UP LINES NOT FOR USE

In 22 and a half years of life, I have become certain of one thing: boys are dumb.

Eloquent? Maybe not. However as the kids say, it's on point.  (right? That's how you use that? Or is it fleek? Ugh. I dunno. I can't even define fleek or "on point" in this verbiage. High schoolers are weird)

Roughly 3.5 years ago, I go to a Halloween roller skating party with my sisters.

That freaky doll, man....

At this party, I meet a guy. He is super cute and funny and he asks me out. We go on a date and it's relatively fun, probably mostly because he was wearing a fanny pack and I never stopped laughing. GUYS. A FANNY PACK. 

                               Seinfeld gets it.

I would feel bad that I laughed so much, but this guy was soooo into himself. Much more than he was into me. Evidentally he never called me after that first date. For a second, I thought maybe it was because he was sad about all the laughing. When in reality, the guy probably walked passed a mirror, so like, how could I compete really?

And I never talk to him again. So end of story. Or so I thought....

This morning....yes, today on June 14, 2015 YEARS LATER, he messages me. He tells me he is in love with my smile. I'm like...thanks brah? But then he proceeds to tell me how gorgeous and beautiful I am. Naturally, I ask why he is telling me this, because we literally haven't talked for years. I don't know if that point has been made yet. He let's me know that he was really really immature back then and he has grown up now and he wants to take me out again, but before he does he wants to look at my instagram. I gave him shifty eyes (in my mind since you know, he wasn't actually looking at my face) and I gave my user name to him. Then he responds with "still sexy." Uh, thank you? I'm glad I didn't get ugly over the years? In an attempt to brush off the comment I say something along the lines of "oh it's just because I posted a picture of a mustang..." when in my head I'm like ew, you gross. To which he asks if I wanted to make out on the hood. Excuse me, I actually need to throw up now. 

https://youtu.be/asAihEOV9is

I retorted that it's obvious that he has grown up--*sarcasm--and I let him know that quality women don't respond well to petty, vapid pick up lines such as that and that if he was looking to actually get a woman, he might want to shift his focus to perhaps her personality, her sense of humor, her talents, her testimony maybe. Our conversation ended with his ever witty and highly intelligent message "lol ok." 

Moral of the story? Never go out with a guy that voluntarily totes around a fanny pack. Or the moral is that a large group of men have no idea how to respectfully flatter and flirt with/pick up women. Either or. 

go on and (don't) kiss the girl

LESSON 39: WHEN NOT TO KISS HER


Holy smokes. It's been a long time since I have been on here. I know you all have missed me. So I'm back. You're welcome.


Now, I have been on hiatus for a while, but, due to some stories from my girlfriends, and some...not that recent, however freakishly frequent experiences of my own, I would like to share with you all when may be the worst possible times to try to kiss a girl.


1. When she is upset. One time, I thought my world was falling apart, as it sometimes does, (not that I am ever dramatic at all,) and I went to confide in a friend of mine about it, right? So I am sitting there on his couch, sobbing, and he just tries to kiss me! Hello, I am leaking out of all my orifices and trying to talk about my feelings. Neither of these are common occurrences in my life--except when I watch Grey's Anatomy--so you would think I could catch a break and not have to also worry about someone trying to put his face on my face. Stahp.


2. If on your date, she is closed off, shying away from you, covering her mouth/face, leaning away from you in the car, one might deduce that she is not so keen on the idea. Probably don't go for it. Unfortunately, at that point, you will become privy to the "cringe and swerve" move. It is a move I have perfected over time. DISCLAIMER--ladies, if you use this move on a guy, you will have to watch him leave your house faster than if he was on fire, and then he will likely never talk to you again.


3. On the off chance you DON'T LIKE HER...don't kiss her.


4. Maybe the date you went on was really terrible and you both kind of hate each other by the end...probably a bad time to go for it. I feel the term duh is wildly called for here.


5. Perhaps you bring up the possibility of kissing. If she doesn't respond well to you saying you want to kiss her, do not then just go for it. Like, you'd think if you tell her you want to kiss her, and she kind of awkwardly laughs and shifts uncomfortably and scoots away from you, then you probably (definitely) should not just go for it.


6. If it's your first date. See previous blog post on the appropriate kissing time frame as decided by supreme ruler of the universe...me.


7. After you have eaten Chinese food.


8. When you just met her 30 minutes ago at FHE.


I love making lists for my blog. I hope you all enjoyed this one too. If not, I won't actually lose any sleep over it because you're wrong and dead to me. Anyways, these have been my top worst kiss attempt stories, but I would love to hear about yours too!! If you feel so inclined, leave a comment with a kiss gone wrong. Sometimes, when am not going out with men for a time, I feel the need to live vicariously through other people. So humor me. Or not. It's fine.

Guest Post

Friends, family, enemies, everyone. This is a paper my cousin wrote. He is brilliant and also one of my favorite people in all the world. Enjoy.

The Defective Provo Dating Game

Walking around BYU campus and going to social activities in Provo, I see something interesting to me. It is almost as if we have separated our religious lives and social lives to the point of living two moral codes that have become almost entirely distinct. I think, really, that Provo is an amazing place. There are many things that make it incredible, but despite it all, Provo dating has worsened and it needs to change.
Here we go... sometimes as human beings we act in a certain way because it is commonly accepted, or because “everyone else is doing it.” It’s a familiar idea, and actually anciently it had major advantages and played a huge role in our survival as a species. Learning to fit in protected us and helped us stick together. Unfortunately, however, this same desire to be a part of a group can cause us to adopt certain behaviors and stereotypes that we otherwise wouldn’t. I think that this is happening too much in the Provo dating culture. 
There seems to be a huge lessening of morality in our social lives. An example would be people who are taking or blessing the sacrament on Sunday after being up till one o’clock in the apartments of the opposite gender “making out.” 
Weaknesses are real, and we should recognize them. We should be understanding and loving of everyone who makes mistakes, (ourselves included) but I think it’s a real problem when something like this happens and we all pretend like it isn't wrong. It seems that just because there isn’t a clear rule about something than it's “allowed” and alright. To me that's a terrible misconception. 
Instead of talking about the obvious infraction of the honor code, let's focus on the “blurry line” of passionate kissing. On lds.org it says, “The phrase “passionate kissing” in For the Strength of Youth ([2011], 36) has to do with the kind of kissing that goes well beyond a peck on the cheek or briefly touching lips. It’s more intense and lasts longer than a brief kiss, and it’s often a step along the path to more serious kinds of physical intimacy, which is why you are warned against it before you’re married.” However you put it, what we recognize as “making out” is passionate kissing. It is exactly what is being referenced here.
Individual opinions will vary, but speaking plainly, “making out” almost always stimulates sexual arousal. For those who believe they are the exception, I have this question: why even risk it? The site goes on to say, "For the kind of dating and relationships you should be experiencing before marriage, it’s wise to hold back with your kisses, especially kisses on the lips." That seems straightforward enough for me.
But even if it’s not, you can’t really call that love. Not at all. Love is respect, and self-sacrifice, not dancing the line between acceptability and sin. It is true that the activities that cause sexual arousal are different for each person. It is more challenging for some to control thoughts than others, but true love is always erring on the safe side. No one can say that breaking an honor code rule, or going against the guidelines of the prophets is “alright for some people,” just because of our genetic variation. The young adults of Provo are spectacular, and I really think that we are above pretending like making-out is totally acceptable.
Psychologytoday.com says that "the more 'intimate' open-mouth, tongue -included type of kissing[...]can also lead to arousal and sex. Passionate make-outs are often necessary (and effective) precursors to further physical intimacy." I agree with that. Passionate kissing is very sexual in nature. It has a time and a place, of course, but that time and place is not before marriage. I think that there are ways that we can rise above this.
Something else, which has become another needless burden to daters everywhere, is the mortal fear that we all seem to share of “awkwardness.” It seems that nothing were so terrible, and no experience as painful as something awkward. We talk about it, we run from it, but still it seems to dominate everything. There perhaps is a time and place for awkwardness, such as in jokes and entertainment, but I think we've allowed it to grow into an outrageous challenge to our social lives. 
For example. Why do we have to avoid old girlfriends or boyfriends at all costs so that no one feels awkward? Doesn’t that just feel wrong? I know it can be really uncomfortable, but I think It’s an invented rule of society that we could choose not to follow. In other cultures the word “awkward” doesn’t even exist, and this actually leads to less of these situations. Why do we talk about it so much, and avoid it so much, and do nothing to get rid of it? Or defeat it? Running away from something is not a victory. It may take courage and social aptitude, but we can face an awkward situation and maturely overcome it, sometimes just by taking a step back and laughing at it. I am convinced that with the right amount of love and eternal perspective, no situation could make us feel awkward. It’s not easy, and there situations where it's hard to not feel uncomfortable, but I think we can do something to get through it and not let it control us so much.
The worst part though, is that this leads to more harmful things that are going on. Elder Holland gave a speech awhile back to BYU. He spoke of his wife, and said that "To impair or impede her in any way for my gain or vanity or emotional mastery over her should disqualify me on the spot to be her husband." Emotional mastery over someone would be a perfect way of describing the feeling that some seek as they exploit and manipulate members of the opposite gender. There is no place for deception in dating. Any action to "make someone jealous" or as a retaliation of a "really bad break-up" would fall into this category. Forgiving someone, but never wanting to see them again, is not real forgiveness. Aren’t we all shooting for The Celestial Kingdom anyway? Wouldn’t it be best to work out our differences here? Weakness is allowing someone’s actions to stop us from loving them. True strength is real forgiveness and love. Elder Holland goes on to say that, "No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it." I argue that as brilliant members of a brilliant university, if we were putting our all into our dating relationships, it would not be in the defective, difficult state that it is now. We are all capable of much, much more.
A word to the sisters: I think that you are all amazing, but remember that the duty of having a celestial dating atmosphere is the responsibility of both genders. When inappropriate things happen, both are at fault. I see a lot of girls that, because of a low self-image, they make their relationship almost an object of worship. They feel that if they are not in a relationship, they aren’t worth anything. Remember this: true worth comes through remembering that Christ loves you. A relationship is not the answer to all your problems, and if it becomes that for you, it will never be healthy.
And guys, know that any activity on any level aimed toward inappropriate pleasure or self-interest is always and absolutely a trademark of an enemy of womanhood. Respect and love are transformers of mankind. Through self-control and real reverence toward your sisters, you will become something greater. The earth is in need of heroes. There's a real shortage of them. This world is incredible because it is a place where ordinary people can become incredible.
What would a place look like that ran completely on love? How would it be to have a dating atmosphere that is honest, open, and where everyone had the same goals? For this to happen, all of us have to change. Not just the “Provo All-Stars,” but everyone.
Once I overheard someone asking someone else about a joke. The person said, “No, I can’t tell it, it’s not super appropriate.” 
The other asked, “Well, is it funny?” 
Wait, just because something is funny, means it doesn’t matter if it is appropriate? I think that is a really sad and really dangerous idea.
I would like to end with one more Holland quote, "You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Or, to phrase that more positively, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness for you and for your sweetheart."
I add my words to his. We all have so much brilliant potential here. I’ve really seen it, and as far as I'm concerned, the only way we can untangle the dating scene in Provo is to tie it to our discipleship, and it needs to be for real.