In 22 and a half years of life, I have become certain of one thing: boys are dumb.
Eloquent? Maybe not. However as the kids say, it's on point. (right? That's how you use that? Or is it fleek? Ugh. I dunno. I can't even define fleek or "on point" in this verbiage. High schoolers are weird)
Roughly 3.5 years ago, I go to a Halloween roller skating party with my sisters.
That freaky doll, man....
At this party, I meet a guy. He is super cute and funny and he asks me out. We go on a date and it's relatively fun, probably mostly because he was wearing a fanny pack and I never stopped laughing. GUYS. A FANNY PACK.
Seinfeld gets it.
I would feel bad that I laughed so much, but this guy was soooo into himself. Much more than he was into me. Evidentally he never called me after that first date. For a second, I thought maybe it was because he was sad about all the laughing. When in reality, the guy probably walked passed a mirror, so like, how could I compete really?
And I never talk to him again. So end of story. Or so I thought....
This morning....yes, today on June 14, 2015 YEARS LATER, he messages me. He tells me he is in love with my smile. I'm like...thanks brah? But then he proceeds to tell me how gorgeous and beautiful I am. Naturally, I ask why he is telling me this, because we literally haven't talked for years. I don't know if that point has been made yet. He let's me know that he was really really immature back then and he has grown up now and he wants to take me out again, but before he does he wants to look at my instagram. I gave him shifty eyes (in my mind since you know, he wasn't actually looking at my face) and I gave my user name to him. Then he responds with "still sexy." Uh, thank you? I'm glad I didn't get ugly over the years? In an attempt to brush off the comment I say something along the lines of "oh it's just because I posted a picture of a mustang..." when in my head I'm like ew, you gross. To which he asks if I wanted to make out on the hood. Excuse me, I actually need to throw up now.
I retorted that it's obvious that he has grown up--*sarcasm--and I let him know that quality women don't respond well to petty, vapid pick up lines such as that and that if he was looking to actually get a woman, he might want to shift his focus to perhaps her personality, her sense of humor, her talents, her testimony maybe. Our conversation ended with his ever witty and highly intelligent message "lol ok."
Moral of the story? Never go out with a guy that voluntarily totes around a fanny pack. Or the moral is that a large group of men have no idea how to respectfully flatter and flirt with/pick up women. Either or.