Saturday, August 3, 2013

cool story, bro


Lately, I've had some radical (ninja turtles FTW) experiences with guys. And as a girl with many guy friends, I often share these stories, and then I am presented the question: "am I that guy?"
Oho. You silly. Of course not, or else I wouldn't be sharing these stories with you. In any case, I've been working on this list for quite some time, and I finally feel after meeting someone who supported every one of the items on this list, that it is complete. So please, enjoy. But proceed with caution--if you are a bro, you shouldn't read this. Likely many of you will get offended. However, I don't really care.

1. You have a (excuse my language) "douche-tooth"

2. Your swim trunks are shorter than the girls' shorts.

3. Your shirt is unbuttoned down to your bellybutton.

4. You do summer sales.

5. You commonly (or ever) sport a bro-tank

6. Or you commonly, unnecessarily sport no shirt at all.

7. Then you take shirtless selfies. Or bathroom selfies. Just selfies in general. Did you forget you are not, in fact, a teenage girl?

8. You smell like you just took a bath in your cologne.

9. You have ever verbally hash-tagged #Kasey

10. You watch bachelor/bachelorette so you know what I'm referring to above.

11. You feel the need to talk (loudly) about your workout. So you benched 250, big deal. I eat entire large Domino's pizza's by myself.

12. When talking to a girl, you go on and on about your accomplishments, how you're an entrepreneur (which is usually code for "I'm old, single, out of school, and have no job") how much money you have, or your motorcycle. Wait, I dig motorcycles. Scratch that last one. But do ask us a question. Our name is a good one to start with.

13. Your favorite place to hang out is the hot tub. Usually populated with 10 guys for every girl.

14. You use Tinder.

15. You use the expression/hashtag "sun's out, guns out" in reference to your body.

16. You are a "Bronie"

17. You like to text girls late at night. Like we don't know you have texted "what are you doing?" to 12 other women...

18. You give girls little to no notice to hang out. And then get mad when we always say no.

19. You tuck your ears into your hat (sorry Garrett). There used to be a sign in Orem for some sketchy security company that flashed a picture of a guy wearing a hat with his ears tucked in, and then an invitation to join the company. I can't remember the name, but I'm pretty sure it's actually a secret (not so secret) club for only the highest level of tool.

20. You have a bro-hawk/-bro-llet. Seriously, who decided these hair cuts were cool? Didn't the whole mullet thing die out in the 70's? Some things need to stay dead.

21. You try and kiss every girl who looks at you.

22. You have ever called girls "hunnies"

23. You try to pick a girl up by presenting her with the following situation: "So I am like dating this girl, and she's cool or whatever, but he friend is super into me, so in your opinion is it cool if I date both of them? Maybe you want to go out too?" Because that has happened.

24. Without any other conversation, you walk up and ask a girl for her number.

25. You work for Vivint.

26. "Dat (insert noun here) doe" has ever come out of your mouth.

27. You classify people as sheep or wolves, or sheep in wolves' clothing.


Anonymous said...

Hahahahahaha that was brilliant

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure this is secretly a list of things that you're attracted to.

oliviakaytalley said...

What can i say? I like them douchey, sloppy too. With a bald spot, beer gut, pants that slip down giving you that nice plumber's shot...that just sends me through the roof

J Flex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
oliviakaytalley said...

crap, john, i accidentally deleted that...

DJ Scheerer said...

Some of these made me lol. Like, in real life lol.

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