Tuesday, September 24, 2013

don't you ever tell me how to live my life again


I would like to preface this by stating that I say the following not to sound vain or conceited, but I'm not an idiot. I know that by the world's standards, many boys (and some girls) would qualify me as an attractive person. Ha, who am I kidding? I'm basically God's gift to men. I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't use to be, but at this point in my life, I've got the batting my eyelashes and twirling my hair down to an art form. This being said, I feel constantly under attack by the "nice guy" that as a pretty girl, I only date tools. Because apparently, pretty girls only date mean boys.

First of all, if I hear the above statement one more time, I'm going to start throwing punches. Unless I ask for your opinion on my dating life, don't voice it, because I really, truly, honestly, to the very depths of my soul don't care. #SorryNotSorry

Secondly--I have dated a variety of gentlemen. Some of them were quite possibly some of the sweetest persons I had ever met. I wanted to marry one of them, because I couldn't possibly imagine a more wonderful, kind hearted, better person. (That's another story.) However, I hereby formally admit to dating losers. Not only have I dated some real jerks, but I have had friends that I spent inordinate amounts of time with that said some of the rudest things to me I've ever heard. So sue me. I'm not the only one who has made poor dating choices. You, reading this, if you are single, married, widowed, a swinger or anything else in between, I know you aren't proud of every person you've given the time of day to. Don't even try to deny or argue with me. Stop it right now. You're a big fat liar.

Here is where I'd like to give my defense though-and I think this is supported by most "attractive girls" that have ever dated the...not so nice boys. I am someone who, despite my snarky and sarcastic demeanor, deeply believes in the best in others. Call me silly, naïve, whatever you will, but I really believe there is good in everyone. That being said, I don't believe you can necessarily share that part of you with every person you come in contact with, or even date. I think as humans, we keep areas of our persons and our hearts in reserve from most of the world. Some may like to think their walls impenetrable, but I guarantee, if and when the right person comes along, those walls will crumble.

I love to know people. I love to observe and understand who people are and why they feel and act the way they do. And (admittedly often foolishly) I try to make people feel loved. Those guys I've dated that weren't nice to me, I don't hate. I don't think they are bad people. I honestly think that I simply wasn't the right person to love them. I just try to be. Until it reaches a point where it hurts so much to love them that I have a hard time seeing myself for who I know I am, I reach out, and I try. And maybe that's not what is right or good for me, however I can't help it. I know my worth. I know I'm loved and I'm worthwhile, and at the risk of getting slightly emotional, it sincerely breaks my heart to know that some people don't know what I know-don't feel what I feel.

Woah. I tripped and fell into some feelings. Don't worry, brushed that off.

Seriously though, that's why I've dated boys that weren't nice to me. That's why I maintained friendships that hurt. People lash out when they are hurting, when they don't feel loved. Maybe it was wrong, but I have dated boys simply so they could know how it felt to be cared for by someone. Obviously I don't have all the answers, because I'm almost 21 and not married, which in the Mormon world basically qualifies me in the running as an old spinster. Maybe I need a new outlook or approach. Or maybe, I just need people to stop trying to tell me who to date or how to live my life.


DJ Scheerer said...

I think the LDS dating scene would be a much better place if everyone waited until they are 25 to get hitched. There is just too much that we have to learn about ourselves during those first seven years on your own.

oliviakaytalley said...

Ha I don't think half the 25 year olds I know are that mature, and therefore not necessarily more qualified to get married. I think its all really a case by case basis

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