Rebranding

Hello lovelies,

It's nice of you to visit my blog today.

I have great news.

I'm rebranding this blog! It's going to be focused solely on dating.

And I'm opening it up to all of you to contribute to.

I'll be going through and publishing YOUR stories that you send in, additionally to my own.

Stories, advice, inspiration, laughs-->you'll find them all. Or you won't. Some people have no sense of humor.

You can check the first post here:

https://theprovochronicles.wordpress.com/

I'm calling it the Provo Chronicles, because we all know the valley is one of the best places to find the worst stories.

See you there!!

And keep checking in. Send me your stories.

I promise, it's going to be awesome.

"I am not a robot"

Hello my lovely readers,

It's been a while.

But I've taken some time to learn and think and grow.

And I wanted to share those things with y'all.

First, I learned that my cold, dead heart isn't actually cold, nor dead. It is just selective.

Which is a HUGE relief. Because for a long time, I've been convinced that I'm an unfeeling and emotionally inept robot.

As in, Christina Yang is the character I identify with most from Grey's Anatomy:

Except I'm not a woman of questionable morals.

Or Asian.

But once in a while, someone comes along that ignites that spark. That shows you that you do care whether or not he choses to love you.

And it's ok to be selective..

Because settling with someone who is mostly what you want is no where close to fighting for the one who is everything.

See? He wasn't the right one. And that's not me being racist

Also, I learned that I differentiate what I want and deserve, as opposed to what options often show up, by uncomfortable laughter and (if I'm really on one) by lecturing.

In fact, just recently, I was stuck in a car with a boy for a solid 20 minutes after he tried to pull some shady crap.

And I thought to myself, "self, here we have a decent amount of time with a misguided boy. Do we try to guide him? Yes, yes we do. My precious."

I spent the entirety of that time lecturing him about treating girls with respect and having some decency.

Did he hate that?

I'd like to think he in fact, loved it.

Could be wrong, though.

And finally, I learned that love is a formula.

Now keep in mind, it's been almost 8 years since I've taken an actual math class. But here's what I'm thinking is the proper equation:

50 (what you are looking for) + 45 (compatibility) + 45 (attraction) + 50 (communication) + 100 (choice) = a perfect 295

Erin taught me how to math

You love who you choose to love.

Not everyone is the right choice for you. And I encourage everyone to be as picky as they see fit. But when you find the person that is everything you want them to be, not perfect, but still everything to you, choose them.

Day after day.

Hour after hour.

Choose to love them despite their flaws, despite when they are forgetful or busy or just plain human.

But don't choose to love the person that doesn't light your soul and set your heart on fire.

Because that person is out there.

Unless they died in a freak accident years ago and you'll never meet them in this life.

IDK I'm not a psychic.

If you have thoughts, questions, or otherwise would like to engage, feel free to comment below or shoot me an email.

If on the other hand, you just liked what you read, please liberally share this post with your friends. And if you hated, share with your enemies! Either way seems like a win for everyone involved.

How To Build Your Forever Love

Guest Post!

Since I just wrote a guest post, where I contributed some single perspective to a mommy blog, I thought it would be valuable to get some married perspective on this game we call "dating." Or I guess just relationships in general. It's a little long, but well worth the read! If you are interested in more posts or insights, you can find that website here: http://streetsmartmom.com/

The “I”s Have It

- Usually we think it’s best if we put our partner’s first and make sure their needs are being met. We want our partner to know how much they mean to us and that we have their best interests at heart. And we usually expect, through our cultural expectations of relationships, that our partner’s will put us first. This mutual exchange means we are both looked after while trying to be selfless and take care of our partner. But in communication it is far and away much better to focus on “I”…at least when it comes to working our way through confrontation and anger. Let me explain. I’m sure many of you have heard how it’s better to say “I feel…” rather than “You are…” and we know why. Saying “I” focuses on us and refrains from pushing blame on our partner. Rather than accusing our partner of something we perceive that they are, or that they are doing to us, we are shifting the responsibility on ourselves for our feelings. It also evokes empathy. We naturally don’t want our partner’s to feel sad. Learning about how our partner’s feel, without feeling like we are being blamed, opens our hearts to listening with a desire to fix what’s hurting our partner. Even when you’re thinking about something your partner did that angered you. Let’s say he/she didn’t text you all day despite the many texts you sent them. Instead of getting worked up about all of our expectations and perceptions we take a step back. This is what I do (steps from nonviolentcommuncation.com):

So...you're still single

Recently my sister announced her engagement.

My little sister.

And I am so happy for her.

But, now that my younger siblings are getting married, and I'm not, come the looks, the questions, the judgements.

"So...you're still single?"

Me

I started this post a little bit ago. And the rough draft looked like this:

"After several months of a dating hiatus, I decided to finally try again.Trying multiple different revenues and platforms for meeting men, I have been on some dates and I have to say that I feel inspired by my recent experiences.So inspired that I did something tonight I haven't done in years.

I wrote a poem.

Now I know poems are sappy and stupid, but I really put my soul into this one.

Ready?

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Boys are garbage

The end. "

**image edited to maintain PG status. Brought to you by VidAngel.

Just kidding.

I did that.

Faintly reminiscent of 500 Days of Summer, I decided I should probably do some reevaluating.

I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at. I'm thinking, what is wrong with me that my sister can graduate high school and find her husband in less than a year, and here I am 5 years later, no less single, but much more sass.

So I'm still single.

I've been single the majority of my life, but that doesn't necessarily bother me.

At least it hadn't. Until recently.

You see, being single is my comfort zone.

And of course I've stepped out of that comfort zone a time or two, but I tend to just keep coming back to it.

Just like my bed.

It's warm and comfortable, and I leave it when I must. But there it is, right where I left it, every time I come back. Just waiting for me to slip back inside the covers and bundle up. 

Bed is always welcoming, and I'm content laying there.

I tend to think, "better to kick it in my comfort zone than to be Elle Woods: post breakup"

Yeah. We've all been there. Don't even pretend.

Anyone who has ever dated has, at one point or another, thought that the whole idea is archaic and insane. And we've all sworn that we would be single forever and it would be fine.

Being single is good.

Because we need to be single. We need to be happy being single. After all, if you're not happy alone, how will you make someone else happy when you are with them?

When you are single, you get to experience life in a different way. You can hop on a plane at a moment's notice and spend a month in Rome.

You can recycle the same outfit 3 days in a row because you work and go to class on alternating days--not to mention that said outfit is your pajamas. So really, you just haven't changed since Monday. Adulting, amIright?

There's no obligation not to go dance the night away with your squad.

Additionally no one judges you if you choose to stay in on a Friday night and eat your weight in tacos while watching the entire season of Stranger Things on Netlfix. Because no one knows because no one asked you out for that night. It's fine. This is fine.

No one knows if you don't shave your legs for the span of the winter, because ain't nobody touching them. Suddenly, the argument men use to grow out their beards to keep their faces warm when it's cold makes all kinds of sense.

Or maybe you enjoy shaving. Idk I don't know who you even are.

And you are just you.

You're single.

You do what makes you happy, and you're selfish. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because you are taking care of you.

You are trying new hobbies to discover where your passion lies. You get to find what drives you and commit your whole heart to doing that.

Choose who you want to be.

Work on eliminating the qualities that you don't like about yourself, and do your best to illuminate the qualities that you love.

You don't have anyone telling you or expecting you to be anything. You simply just are--living for you, helping other people, being a good friend, discovering your potential.

The more you know yourself, the greater capacity you'll have to know someone else.

The better you love yourself, the easier you'll know how to love a partner.

Serve more. Help another person in need. Connect on levels, with people, you may not have been able to meet or know if you were in a relationship.

Be happy alone.

But don't resign yourself to being that way indefinitely.

Because one day, you'll turn the corner, and you'll see someone. And they will change your life forever.

Suddenly, the nights spent worrying, the tears shed, and the vengeance you've sworn won't matter anymore.

(I mean, I'm assuming, since it hasn't happened to me yet.)

Why are we constantly defining ourselves by our relationship status?

I am reasonably confident that your current state is just temporary, if that's what you want. 

You'll find someone.

In the meantime, do everything you can to be someone worth finding.

Be the person you want to find.

So you're still single.

So are Brangelina.

Take the time to be the best freaking single human that you can be.

Besides, some of us need all the practice we can get to convince other people that we are actually sane and why they should tolerate us...before we show that inside, we are actually Harley Quinn.

Also me

what's the chinese word for "hell"?

"This is a story of boy meets girl....
But it is not a love story"


I was in Vegas with some friends one weekend pretty recently, when a guy made a comment that I could never be in an abusive relationship because of my aforementioned attributes. However, I was caught off guard by a realization I had in that moment: I was in an abusive relationship.

For nearly 9 months, I was manipulated and emotionally torn apart by someone that I was convinced cared about me.

Then I finally stepped out of the situation far enough to see him and realize "you didn't love her. You just don't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. But you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love."  

Grey's anatomy has never been more relatable, amiright?

And it honestly never even dawned on me until that exact moment, several months later.

That's how messed up I was.

I spent months on an emotional roller coaster, fighting with this boy that never let me win.

Who wouldn't apologize.

A boy that would say the most cutting, hurtful things I could have been told--and then would explain why he was right (and justified) about what he said, as his only attempt for resolve.

I felt picked apart over and over, and when I tried to address the way it hurt my feelings, he would deny having ever said those things. Because I didn't have "proof."

Like dude, sorry I don't have a camera on me at all times to record our lives all the time.

Get real.

And that was the epitome of our relationship.

It seems like you can see those couples as a bystander, see their fighting and obvious dissonance and think that would never be me. I would never let someone treat me like that.

But then you are in that situation. You spend all this time thinking you have found someone that deserves this special place in your heart. You are persuaded that they are "helping" you when they point out your flaws.

You try to give, but he tells you that you don't give enough. So you give more and more, all the while not realizing that you aren't giving your heart to someone who loves you, that wants the best for you.

Too late you find out that you have given the most vulnerable parts of you to be criticized and eventually exploited.

Even after we broke up, he spent 6 weeks purposefully making my life a living hell in China, where he said the absolute most horrible things I had ever been told.

Then, THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I ran into him at a movie a few weeks after returning from China. That night he proceeded to email me to tell me that we should try to be friends.

I told him that was impossible at this point, because he left me no reason to ever trust him. Or even want to have anything to do with him. That he never even showed remorse or attempted to apologize for his poor behavior in China.

It was at that point that he explained to me that it was his right to act the way he did, because his own selfish motivations were more important than 1. my feelings, 2. his professional responsibilities, and 3. the promises that he had made to me before we even left for China, to treat me with decency and respect. Because did I mention that he was in charge of the program that I went to China with? That is was literally HIS JOB to be respectable.

He actually told me that he was justified in his mistreatment of me because, since he treated me so poorly, and some other girl in the group so well, that he now gets to get married. So it was all worth it to him.

Smell that? Yeah it's the fat pile of **** that his email was.

No apology.

Honestly, I was floored that he could, in good conscience, excuse his behavior because it further nursed his pride.

Well I'll tell you right here and now, I am not one single little bit jealous of that girl that has to marry him. Good luck marrying your rebound, bro.

And I know you're probably wondering why I would go to China with my ex in the first place.

Not my best idea, I know. But I wanted to go. So I did. Plus, he HAD previously promised to make it a positive experience for me. He told me that if I still went, (post breakup) that he would do everything in his power to be civil and to help me love going.

So yeah, I foolishly bought into that and went. I'm pretty confident that we was just worried that it would look bad on his company if he lost one of his teachers, so just talked out of his butt so I wouldn't back out.

While we were there, he lashed out at me on multiple occasions. Telling me things like that I was pathetic. Never mind that I only went because he practically BEGGED me to come. Never mind that I had given more of myself to this boy, and gone to more extents to be with him and love him than ever I had before in my life.

He completely tore me to pieces, emotionally, verbally.

I lost all confidence in myself.

This was so much more than a heartbreak. What I felt was complete worthlessness.

I was depressed.

I couldn't see that I was worth anything, because he convinced me that I was incapable of being in a relationship with anyone. That I didn't know how to compromise and be with someone.

How do you come back when the person you have tried hardest to love, tells you that you've failed?

Well, my dad gave me some perspective.

He asked me one night why I was letting someone that didn't love me, define me.

"Let those that truly love you help you see you as you really are."

So why write about such personal things? Because no one is immune to this kind of relationship.

Everyone is suseptible to this kind of manipulation. It's an incredible mind game that many have mastered. It's quite disheartening to see how much I let one person define me--rather than listening to so many others who sincerely did love and care about me, who saw the best in me.

I let a boy change what I saw as my divine worth. I lost sight of my favorite qualities about myself.

And I absolutely don't claim to have been perfect in our relationship. I certainly have flaws and am human. I reacted to his words and his actions in ways I shouldn't have, at times. I was wrong so many times. But as I was listening to this talk by Jeffrey R Holland, one passage struck me hard:

"In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."

I broke up with him after reading that a couple times over and replaying the extend of our relationship, including our long friendship. 

It felt wrong for a long time, and I couldn't figure out why. Until one day it occurred to me that I didn't feel safe with him. At all. I always felt defensive. 

Every time I let my guard down to let him in, he would be tear into me.

Even after I broke up with him, he told me that I did so because I didn't care enough about him to fight for our relationship. That I didn't really care about him. And I sincerely believed that. Which destroyed me. I had so much love for this boy that I felt so bad being with.

150,000% that was not the reality. I dumped him because a part of me had realized that he wasn't treating me the way I should have been treated. 

Like no matter what I did, I was always wrong. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough for him. He told me that over and over again. 

And sometimes, I just wanted to not be wrong. Sometimes, I just wanted to be appreciated for the effort I was giving. 

I also wanted to be properly courted. 

I never received any of those things.

These aren't selfish wants.

And that's a large contributing factor to this post.

Because I am done feeling guilty for getting out of a relationship that belittled me and made me feel less than I am. I will never again let the pride of someone I care about be more important than my own happiness.

Love is never prideful. It is selfless. It builds you. It strengthens and looks for the best in you. Never does it focus on the flaws of another. Its about seeing potential, in lieu of focusing on weaknesses.

This is a new year and I am so ready for what it holds. Everything that happened is in the past now, and I have been beyond blessed to have found myself again. To have regained the confidence lost. To be me again. And I owe that to my loved ones, my family, and my faith. I thank everyone that stood by me and loved me through this, because I am someone that is worth loving. I am someone that loves to love.

Never be with someone who makes you question that.

To 2016! Cheers!

love as i have loved you

So I know this blog is neverrrr*** controversial and never sparks debates, and has nothing to do with my own personal beliefs or stances, but I thought just this once, I would be a little outspoken.


***I'm always outspoken.

And since this is a dating blog, and the end goal of dating is marriage, I felt this seemed appropriate for today.

Yesterday the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints had many articles published about it regarding it's policy for the membership of children within same sex parent homes. I have seen a substantial amount of backlash and upset from not only the general public, but from dear friends of mine. So I hope to shed a bit of light on the subject. And since I am a teacher, it is time to have a lesson.

Did you know that Muslims cannot be baptized into the church in Egypt at 8 years old?

Did you know children from polygamous homes also cannot be baptized into the church at 8 years old?

Did you know any child from any household in America or any other country, with parents that say they can't be baptized can NOT be baptized at 8 years old?

No one since the history of this church has been able to be baptized without the proper permissions and authorities. In fact, angels had to come out of heaven to give Joseph Smith the proper channel through which to baptize and be baptized.

In order for a boy to receive the priesthood, he must have permission to do so. And all mission calls are divinely appointed through the first presidency. I implore everyone to try to understand what is being said. And please don't be mistaken into thinking that anyone is exempt from being blessed by the church. Anyone can receive a priesthood blessing, as well as blessings rained down from heaven.

So yes, different steps must be taken for a child from a same sex parent home must be taken in order to receive baptism, and other ordinances. But they are not the only ones. Is it possible that we as members are being tested? Yes. Is it possible that those children who will have to wait to officially become part of this church will be held responsible or punished for that? The answer is a resounding no. Might I add, that no where does it say kids are not allowed to come to church meetings or gatherings. Any who feel inclined to sit among our congregations are welcomed with open arms. Don't mistake the churches eternal stance on homosexuality for bigotry. Never in my life have I been taught to hate another person. Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or weakness, it is an eternal principle to love one another. Often times people confuse the ability to love another without condoning their choices, with being prejudice.

That being said, no one outside of the Lord and those whom He called as apostles knows without a doubt why these policies are instated. However, all the faith in my heart screams that it is on the basis of protection.

How confusing would it be as a young, impressionable child of 13 to have been baptized into a church that teaches that practicing homosexuality is a sin, and learn the principles of what the LDS church preaches to be the true family unit every Sunday, and to come home to a family with two moms or two dads. I work with children all the time. I have worked with them for years in various capacities and ages. I know how confused they are about life. I know how hard they are looking for answers and looking for self confidence, discovery, and assurance. Growing up in a home where we were all infinitely close with one another, I can say without hesitation that one of my biggest draws towards the gospel of Jesus Christ was the promise that by and through it, I would have the opportunity to be with my family forever. As a kid, the church meant a lot to me because my family meant a lot to me.

My parents for as long as I can remember taught our family motto as "no empty chairs." That meant that we wanted to be with each other forever. And the church gives us that promise. I can't say for sure, but I would imagine if I was as close to my family growing up, but learning in church that we could not be together forever would deter me from that religion. Or perhaps it would distance me from my family. The bottom line is, this gospel is not by any means trying to tear homosexual households apart. In fact, I believe the Elders are telling us that this church doesn't want to be the reasons family is torn apart. It happens, unfortunately. But I think this is a preemptive measure to contain that and maintain peace in the home until a child becomes an adult. As an adult, that child can choose if he or she believes in the church and views same sex marriage as a choice their parents, who certainly love them so dearly, made, but not one that will lead to an eternal, exalted family.

The church has never supported gay marriage as a family unit. That is not news. However, I believe there is a chance here to turn to our Father in Heaven to let Him show us His purposes. This is a time to be tested. To trust. To grow your faith. The brethren have never lead us astray. The gospel has always been, and will certainly forever be about love. Let members love you. Love each other. As you are filled with love, let that breed understanding and patience. I stand as a witness with Nephi who wrote "I know that [the Lord] loveth his children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things." I ask for civility on the war that has begun waging on this church I love so dearly. Hatred of this church won't cause a change in policies. Attacks on the brethren or members won't get you what you want, unless you are seeking for sorrow. I hope this post will encourage everyone to try to see this from an eternal perspective and an educated standpoint. I love the gospel so much. I love the prophet and the apostles. I know they lead by the spirit. And I know "whether by mine own voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same."

Pray. Take your concerns and your questions to the Lord. I promise if your heart is open, He Will bring peace and understanding to your mind.  Don't let this derail what testimony you have already. Hold to the ground you have gained and ask in faith.

I love you.

don't drink the water...poison

LESSON 41: DON'T LOSE YOUR FACE

It was the summer of ...more recent than I care to tell you all.

I had a friend at work that wanted to set me up with his brother. I conceded to go to dinner to meet him.

His brother, whom we will call Dave, (because he looked like Dave Franco,) was babetastic. Obviously. Hence the nickname. He has a great smile, he was a gentleman, he cooked a delicious dinner, and he was fun. All signs pointed to the death of my single life.

RIP.

So later that night, he and his brother suggested we go longboarding. I told them I had never been before, and they said they would teach me.

Which was perfect because men love being manly and teaching girls to do stuff! (right?)

So we go to the car, and I am wearing sandals and shorts, and I asked if that was proper longboarding attire. They informed me that it was.

It unfortunately was not. 

So we get to the canyon, and they teach me most of the basics, and I can catch on to things pretty quickly, so I thought I was ready.

We rolled out.

Now, I don't know if y'all have ever longboarded down Provo Canyon, but it can be considered slightly treacherous for a trial run longboarding. But me, being the rock star that I am, did pretty well.

The guys had to stop me a couple of times, and I walked down one of the steeper slopes, but overall, I was decently impressed with myself. And of course I thought I was impressing homeboy Dave. What a good night!

The only thing that wasn't ideal, as far as I was concerned, was that at some point down the canyon, it occurred to me that I had to use the facilities...you know...because I have a teeny tiny bladder.

Needless to say I was feeling pretty good. I played a little damsel in distress, while also being the cool, confident, "I can do what you can do," chick.

And then we get to the bottom of the canyon.

Dave had stopped in front of me. And unfortunately, in all their teaching, my sensei's had forgot to teach me how to stop.

Now, if I remember correctly, I think we both went the same way to dodge one another, but I knew a collision was inevitable.

So I bailed.

I just straight jumped off the longboard.

Upon landing, I made contact first on the ground with my ankle, which I twisted, and then rolled and hit my head.

During some point of my little tumble, it would seem that I would lose control of my inhibitions.

Yep.

I legit peed my pants. With two super good looking guys in the canyon, far away from my house.

Dave ran over to see if I was ok, and I laid there. Soiled.

Like the gentleman he was, Dave tried to help me up. I pushed him away, pretending I was trying to be tough. When in reality, I really just didn't want him to gain intelligence on my predicament. We got to his car and his brother peaced out when I told him I was ok. So it was just me, Dave, his car, and my urine.

All I could think was that I was thankful for the cover of night, but that I would be sabotaged and betrayed by the appearance of a wet seat.

So the entire ride home, I lifted myself up so I wouldn't sit directly on his car seat. Dave asked why I didn't just sit down, and I told him it was because my ankle hurt. Which I guess he believed.

I'm not sure what holding myself up above the seat would do to subdue the pain in my ankle, but I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He also insisted on taking me to his house so he could doctor my injuries, but I loudly protested. It is possible that he attributed that to me not liking him, when in reality, I just needed to take my pants off.

I kept this secret to myself for a long time, because as someone that doesn't get embarrassed often, I was a little mortified.

Especially because I suspected that the boys might have some inclination as to what happened, but they didn't say anything out of respect. Which I truly appreciate.

It was a situation that at the time, I recognized that it was a funny thing, and I would probably think was funny later, but it was not funny then!!

However, a few weeks ago, I told some people in China, and then they told everyone else, and now I can accept it as just funny. Speaking of which, whilst in China, we had an intern that worked with us, that mostly spoke English, but she would still ask what certain words or phrases meant. At one point, she asked what the English translation of the Chinese phrase "lose my face" would be. Some people told her in America, it would be the same as saying "peed my pants." Which wasn't true. But we didn't know what it meant to lose your face! Hence the title.

So yeah. I couldn't date a boy because I peed my pants on our longboarding adventure.

Darn loss of bodily functions.

dear future husband

So typically on Sundays, I like to share spiritual thoughts or feelings from church or talks I have studied, but I was talking with my family this morning about revelation, and it occured to me that my ideas would appropriately fit in my blog.

All of us have a list of what we are looking for in our significant other. I made a physical list in Young Women's roughly 6 years ago. As time has gone on, the list has changed and grown and shrunk and this morning, I realized I only need 2 qualities in my future husband.

The first quality is that he has to make me laugh. Because I laugh all the time anyways, so whoever I'm with better be able to laugh with me. Obviously.

The second, and most encompassing, and also arguably most important is that he must be someone that seeks for, and lives by revelation. In my experience, the men I have dated that have possessed all the other traits I want, are men that let revelation direct their lives. Because those who live in accordance to revelation are those who love God more than anything or anyone else. They are temple worthy. They are more often than not the ones that served honorable missions. They are people that serve. Letting our Father in Heaven know that we will live in accordance to His will is evidence that we are humble, and teachable. And when we display these traits, we are susceptible to being more loving, more compassionate, more charitable. The more we obey, the more we serve, the more we love. These are purposefully, and divinely intertwined. Men that generally treat women the best, that are typically the most chilvalrous, are ones that know how because they are sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, that know the value of themselves and others. Obviously humans are flawed, and even living close to the spirit leaves room for error, but the caliber of person who relies heavily on revelation far exceeds those who don't. Not to say those who don't let revelation guide them are bad people, but the chances of them bringing you closer to Christ are far more slim if they aren't constantly calling upon Him. Right? Especially because questions such as where you are going to live, how many kids you'll have, jobs, houses, serving a mission, and things of that nature can all be solved by trusting in the Lord's plan.

Revelation is how we change and learn and grow. Revelation leads us to the Atonement, it's how our Father speaks to us and helps us.

My dad lives his life in such a way. He is the reason I expect what I expect out of the men I date, and likewise why I expect what I do of myself. He is valiant and lets God lead his life in every aspect. My mom and I were discussing about the miracle it is that my dad can and has always been able to provide for a family of 12 with no college degree. And I believe it's because he trusted in the Lord's plan for him and his life. I mean, he is brilliantly smart, so he also emmulates his talents. Luckily, I am constantly, immensely blessed by the way he receives and listens to revelation. 

I don't claim to be perfect. I know I am far from where I need to be. But I do aim for exaltation, and I know revelation is the way to get there. And I cannot love someone (romantically) who isn't on the same path that I am on. I'm not interested in a temporary marriage. I have no interest in loving for a while. I want to love with that forever love that we were promised if we live worthy. I want to be married for time and all eternity, and there is only one way to get there.

you are really dumb. for real.

LESSON 40: PICK UP LINES NOT FOR USE

In 22 and a half years of life, I have become certain of one thing: boys are dumb.

Eloquent? Maybe not. However as the kids say, it's on point.  (right? That's how you use that? Or is it fleek? Ugh. I dunno. I can't even define fleek or "on point" in this verbiage. High schoolers are weird)

Roughly 3.5 years ago, I go to a Halloween roller skating party with my sisters.

That freaky doll, man....

At this party, I meet a guy. He is super cute and funny and he asks me out. We go on a date and it's relatively fun, probably mostly because he was wearing a fanny pack and I never stopped laughing. GUYS. A FANNY PACK. 

                               Seinfeld gets it.

I would feel bad that I laughed so much, but this guy was soooo into himself. Much more than he was into me. Evidentally he never called me after that first date. For a second, I thought maybe it was because he was sad about all the laughing. When in reality, the guy probably walked passed a mirror, so like, how could I compete really?

And I never talk to him again. So end of story. Or so I thought....

This morning....yes, today on June 14, 2015 YEARS LATER, he messages me. He tells me he is in love with my smile. I'm like...thanks brah? But then he proceeds to tell me how gorgeous and beautiful I am. Naturally, I ask why he is telling me this, because we literally haven't talked for years. I don't know if that point has been made yet. He let's me know that he was really really immature back then and he has grown up now and he wants to take me out again, but before he does he wants to look at my instagram. I gave him shifty eyes (in my mind since you know, he wasn't actually looking at my face) and I gave my user name to him. Then he responds with "still sexy." Uh, thank you? I'm glad I didn't get ugly over the years? In an attempt to brush off the comment I say something along the lines of "oh it's just because I posted a picture of a mustang..." when in my head I'm like ew, you gross. To which he asks if I wanted to make out on the hood. Excuse me, I actually need to throw up now. 

https://youtu.be/asAihEOV9is

I retorted that it's obvious that he has grown up--*sarcasm--and I let him know that quality women don't respond well to petty, vapid pick up lines such as that and that if he was looking to actually get a woman, he might want to shift his focus to perhaps her personality, her sense of humor, her talents, her testimony maybe. Our conversation ended with his ever witty and highly intelligent message "lol ok." 

Moral of the story? Never go out with a guy that voluntarily totes around a fanny pack. Or the moral is that a large group of men have no idea how to respectfully flatter and flirt with/pick up women. Either or. 

go on and (don't) kiss the girl

LESSON 39: WHEN NOT TO KISS HER


Holy smokes. It's been a long time since I have been on here. I know you all have missed me. So I'm back. You're welcome.


Now, I have been on hiatus for a while, but, due to some stories from my girlfriends, and some...not that recent, however freakishly frequent experiences of my own, I would like to share with you all when may be the worst possible times to try to kiss a girl.


1. When she is upset. One time, I thought my world was falling apart, as it sometimes does, (not that I am ever dramatic at all,) and I went to confide in a friend of mine about it, right? So I am sitting there on his couch, sobbing, and he just tries to kiss me! Hello, I am leaking out of all my orifices and trying to talk about my feelings. Neither of these are common occurrences in my life--except when I watch Grey's Anatomy--so you would think I could catch a break and not have to also worry about someone trying to put his face on my face. Stahp.


2. If on your date, she is closed off, shying away from you, covering her mouth/face, leaning away from you in the car, one might deduce that she is not so keen on the idea. Probably don't go for it. Unfortunately, at that point, you will become privy to the "cringe and swerve" move. It is a move I have perfected over time. DISCLAIMER--ladies, if you use this move on a guy, you will have to watch him leave your house faster than if he was on fire, and then he will likely never talk to you again.


3. On the off chance you DON'T LIKE HER...don't kiss her.


4. Maybe the date you went on was really terrible and you both kind of hate each other by the end...probably a bad time to go for it. I feel the term duh is wildly called for here.


5. Perhaps you bring up the possibility of kissing. If she doesn't respond well to you saying you want to kiss her, do not then just go for it. Like, you'd think if you tell her you want to kiss her, and she kind of awkwardly laughs and shifts uncomfortably and scoots away from you, then you probably (definitely) should not just go for it.


6. If it's your first date. See previous blog post on the appropriate kissing time frame as decided by supreme ruler of the universe...me.


7. After you have eaten Chinese food.


8. When you just met her 30 minutes ago at FHE.


I love making lists for my blog. I hope you all enjoyed this one too. If not, I won't actually lose any sleep over it because you're wrong and dead to me. Anyways, these have been my top worst kiss attempt stories, but I would love to hear about yours too!! If you feel so inclined, leave a comment with a kiss gone wrong. Sometimes, when am not going out with men for a time, I feel the need to live vicariously through other people. So humor me. Or not. It's fine.

Guest Post

Friends, family, enemies, everyone. This is a paper my cousin wrote. He is brilliant and also one of my favorite people in all the world. Enjoy.

The Defective Provo Dating Game

Walking around BYU campus and going to social activities in Provo, I see something interesting to me. It is almost as if we have separated our religious lives and social lives to the point of living two moral codes that have become almost entirely distinct. I think, really, that Provo is an amazing place. There are many things that make it incredible, but despite it all, Provo dating has worsened and it needs to change.
Here we go... sometimes as human beings we act in a certain way because it is commonly accepted, or because “everyone else is doing it.” It’s a familiar idea, and actually anciently it had major advantages and played a huge role in our survival as a species. Learning to fit in protected us and helped us stick together. Unfortunately, however, this same desire to be a part of a group can cause us to adopt certain behaviors and stereotypes that we otherwise wouldn’t. I think that this is happening too much in the Provo dating culture. 
There seems to be a huge lessening of morality in our social lives. An example would be people who are taking or blessing the sacrament on Sunday after being up till one o’clock in the apartments of the opposite gender “making out.” 
Weaknesses are real, and we should recognize them. We should be understanding and loving of everyone who makes mistakes, (ourselves included) but I think it’s a real problem when something like this happens and we all pretend like it isn't wrong. It seems that just because there isn’t a clear rule about something than it's “allowed” and alright. To me that's a terrible misconception. 
Instead of talking about the obvious infraction of the honor code, let's focus on the “blurry line” of passionate kissing. On lds.org it says, “The phrase “passionate kissing” in For the Strength of Youth ([2011], 36) has to do with the kind of kissing that goes well beyond a peck on the cheek or briefly touching lips. It’s more intense and lasts longer than a brief kiss, and it’s often a step along the path to more serious kinds of physical intimacy, which is why you are warned against it before you’re married.” However you put it, what we recognize as “making out” is passionate kissing. It is exactly what is being referenced here.
Individual opinions will vary, but speaking plainly, “making out” almost always stimulates sexual arousal. For those who believe they are the exception, I have this question: why even risk it? The site goes on to say, "For the kind of dating and relationships you should be experiencing before marriage, it’s wise to hold back with your kisses, especially kisses on the lips." That seems straightforward enough for me.
But even if it’s not, you can’t really call that love. Not at all. Love is respect, and self-sacrifice, not dancing the line between acceptability and sin. It is true that the activities that cause sexual arousal are different for each person. It is more challenging for some to control thoughts than others, but true love is always erring on the safe side. No one can say that breaking an honor code rule, or going against the guidelines of the prophets is “alright for some people,” just because of our genetic variation. The young adults of Provo are spectacular, and I really think that we are above pretending like making-out is totally acceptable.
Psychologytoday.com says that "the more 'intimate' open-mouth, tongue -included type of kissing[...]can also lead to arousal and sex. Passionate make-outs are often necessary (and effective) precursors to further physical intimacy." I agree with that. Passionate kissing is very sexual in nature. It has a time and a place, of course, but that time and place is not before marriage. I think that there are ways that we can rise above this.
Something else, which has become another needless burden to daters everywhere, is the mortal fear that we all seem to share of “awkwardness.” It seems that nothing were so terrible, and no experience as painful as something awkward. We talk about it, we run from it, but still it seems to dominate everything. There perhaps is a time and place for awkwardness, such as in jokes and entertainment, but I think we've allowed it to grow into an outrageous challenge to our social lives. 
For example. Why do we have to avoid old girlfriends or boyfriends at all costs so that no one feels awkward? Doesn’t that just feel wrong? I know it can be really uncomfortable, but I think It’s an invented rule of society that we could choose not to follow. In other cultures the word “awkward” doesn’t even exist, and this actually leads to less of these situations. Why do we talk about it so much, and avoid it so much, and do nothing to get rid of it? Or defeat it? Running away from something is not a victory. It may take courage and social aptitude, but we can face an awkward situation and maturely overcome it, sometimes just by taking a step back and laughing at it. I am convinced that with the right amount of love and eternal perspective, no situation could make us feel awkward. It’s not easy, and there situations where it's hard to not feel uncomfortable, but I think we can do something to get through it and not let it control us so much.
The worst part though, is that this leads to more harmful things that are going on. Elder Holland gave a speech awhile back to BYU. He spoke of his wife, and said that "To impair or impede her in any way for my gain or vanity or emotional mastery over her should disqualify me on the spot to be her husband." Emotional mastery over someone would be a perfect way of describing the feeling that some seek as they exploit and manipulate members of the opposite gender. There is no place for deception in dating. Any action to "make someone jealous" or as a retaliation of a "really bad break-up" would fall into this category. Forgiving someone, but never wanting to see them again, is not real forgiveness. Aren’t we all shooting for The Celestial Kingdom anyway? Wouldn’t it be best to work out our differences here? Weakness is allowing someone’s actions to stop us from loving them. True strength is real forgiveness and love. Elder Holland goes on to say that, "No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it." I argue that as brilliant members of a brilliant university, if we were putting our all into our dating relationships, it would not be in the defective, difficult state that it is now. We are all capable of much, much more.
A word to the sisters: I think that you are all amazing, but remember that the duty of having a celestial dating atmosphere is the responsibility of both genders. When inappropriate things happen, both are at fault. I see a lot of girls that, because of a low self-image, they make their relationship almost an object of worship. They feel that if they are not in a relationship, they aren’t worth anything. Remember this: true worth comes through remembering that Christ loves you. A relationship is not the answer to all your problems, and if it becomes that for you, it will never be healthy.
And guys, know that any activity on any level aimed toward inappropriate pleasure or self-interest is always and absolutely a trademark of an enemy of womanhood. Respect and love are transformers of mankind. Through self-control and real reverence toward your sisters, you will become something greater. The earth is in need of heroes. There's a real shortage of them. This world is incredible because it is a place where ordinary people can become incredible.
What would a place look like that ran completely on love? How would it be to have a dating atmosphere that is honest, open, and where everyone had the same goals? For this to happen, all of us have to change. Not just the “Provo All-Stars,” but everyone.
Once I overheard someone asking someone else about a joke. The person said, “No, I can’t tell it, it’s not super appropriate.” 
The other asked, “Well, is it funny?” 
Wait, just because something is funny, means it doesn’t matter if it is appropriate? I think that is a really sad and really dangerous idea.
I would like to end with one more Holland quote, "You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Or, to phrase that more positively, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness for you and for your sweetheart."
I add my words to his. We all have so much brilliant potential here. I’ve really seen it, and as far as I'm concerned, the only way we can untangle the dating scene in Provo is to tie it to our discipleship, and it needs to be for real.

don't say I didn't warn you

"Got a long list of ex-lovers, 

They'll tell you I'm insane

But I got a blank space baby,

And I'll write your name"

Let's talk crazy girl.

We all know her.

Guys, you have dated her, talked about her, avoided her, loved her, hated her, and recently I realized, I am her.

So is T Swizzle. And just about every other female who has ever dated/liked/talked to a guy. At one point or another, we ladies all become "that girl."

It's not like we are born that way--alright, maybe, definitely some are--but most girls that guys tell stories about how crazy they are, are like that because we are reacting to some stupid stunt a guy has pulled. For each girl that is crazy is most likely a man that has made her that way.

Take Taylor Swift's song Blank Space. In my opinion, she approaches this new guy like, hey man, let's see where this goes. Then he tells lies and calls other girls and she gets mad. And everyone is all, oh wow, she is a loon (or so say her exes) and I'm over here like, uh hello, she is just mad because he was being a sleaze. AmIright?

Wanna know a secret? Basically all girls tend to have emotional reactions to shady moves, pulled by ignoramus men.

Surprise!

And yes, girls act shady and make boys angry as well, I'm not discounting that.

However, since I have only ever been a lady, and this blog is about my experiences and is in fact, my blog, I'm just focusing on the girls' side of things.

Also because the experiences I have been having lately are highly suspect. And I do what I want.

As evidence to support my case, I present two stories.

Story 1.

There once was a boy named *Brady. He was cute and in my ward, and I thought it would be a great idea to talk to him. We conversed a few times and finally he asked for my number.

We went for a drive that afternoon to see the leaves change colors in the canyon, had this great talk, and when he walked me to my door he asked me on a date.

So in my mind, this is off to a great start.

Later in the week, he invited me to go to Salt Lake City with him where he kissed me. So many red flags went up I thought I took a turn into Soviet Russia. Some times goes by and he "forgets" that he asked me on a real date (other than the pretend SLC date we went on.)

How lucky am I? So I just try to let it go.

Of course, it should have been easy since, like a real adult, he would completely avoid all eye contact with me whatsoever at church.

Apparently we are five.

But then he decides to consistently like every picture I put up on instagram. Okay I know, not a really big deal, but it was annoying.

And I am the type of abrasive person that doesn't let people get away with pulling unscrupulous moves...so I called him out. I told him to either stop ignoring me at church and liking all my posts on instagram, or ignore me in all capacities.

                                                                  It went quite well

He also told our mutual friend that she should have told me about all the girls he kissed. Obviously that excuses him. Silly her.

Point---I was the wacko girl who called him out and told him to stop liking her pictures.

Trivial? Yes.

Justified? I think so.

Don't pretend to be a nice guy that tells a girl he likes her and then treats her like a notch in the belt.

Am I so out of line to be mad because he lied to me, kissed me, "forgot" about our date, and then ignored me in real life while obnoxiously stalking my insta?


Story number 2:

This next one is a real treat. It's actually in response to the previous story. So I am talking to one of my best friends about Brady, and she asks if I have considered meeting guys on Tinder.

Of course I laughed and laughed and laughed some more because, Tinder. But we had this long chat about it, and I caved.

Yeah, I got a Tinder.

Whatever.

I figured, there couldn't be worse guys on there than I was meeting in real life.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Turns out, I'm afraid of meeting guys on Tinder.

I mean, I am terrified of men I meet in real life at my Institute classes and at church.

How could I have any comfort meeting guys on an app, right? Except about half the couples that have come into my diamond store in the last month have met each other on Tinder, and now they are getting married. My roommate included.

So I tried to utilize it, but being the big fat chicken that I am, I only would click on boys I already knew or had met in real life.

So, really effective. I know.

Among those guys, I came across this guy named *Ty. I thought he was a fox when I met him at church maybe 2 years ago, so of course I swiped him. And he swiped me back, which as you may or may not know, allows you to be able to message each other. That's when I received this message:

First of all, it is evident he doesn't remember meeting me (which I think was already established that I take being forgotten super well,) and my legs? I put up a picture of when I went and hiked the Subway at Zion National Park because it was one of the best trips of my life and hiking is something I love to do, but really?

Homeboy has one chance to make an impression here and he leads with that? I'm sure he is sincerely interested in talking to me and getting to know my personality.

**Guys, hint, if you want to impress a girl, do not lead with "nice legs." If I could have slapped him, I would have.**

In case you haven't already deduced, I am not really the type to let a comment like that go. After all, I am my mother's daughter.

I messaged him back. I said, "oops, you forgot we met already."

He was like, "yea I did, remind me!"

To which I didn't respond. I gave him a chance.

Here was the moment to walk away.

Unfortunately he did not see this advantageous opportunity and continued to message me. He wanted to know where we met, and when I told him, he unapologetically acknowledged that he had no memory of me. I cannot tell you how flattered I was. And after that, he said he would be interested in remeeting me. I let him know I wasn't really interested.

He took it with grace, dignity, and unfathomable maturity.

So then he told me I had daddy issues and something else I can't remember.

Sure, I was the psycho girl that told him I wasn't flattered by him sexualizing me or not remembering me at all, but he was the rat that thought he was being charming by letting me know how much he likes my legs, and lashes out when he gets called out for his hideodorous pick up tactics.

I am not insecure about my looks. Tell me I'm hilarious and that you want to buy me tacos. I am not a complicated woman.


What do we take away from this?

All girls every where are susceptible to this sickness. Like a cold, we all catch it at one time or another.

But fellas, when you tell story after story about all the insane women you keep meeting, just keep in mind, YOU MAY BE THE COMMON FACTOR.

If you think all the girls you go out with are nuts, maybe its time to consider that you are a total bag. Just thinking out loud here.

On behalf of the crazies.

You know you love me

Xoxo

*names have been changed. I don't really know why. I don't care if they see. Get a grip.